


Here We Stand

by Sonny



Category: Queer as Folk (US)
Genre: Angst, Gap Filler, M/M, POV First Person
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2005-06-20
Updated: 2005-06-20
Packaged: 2017-10-13 14:35:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 24,841
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/138432
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sonny/pseuds/Sonny
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A tragic jolt from reality causes Brian to look into himself... making him realize what he really wants, at any cost.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

*******************************************************************  
 ****

 **Here We Stand**

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__

_written & performed by Elkland_

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*******************************************  
 ****

 **Here We Stand... IN LOVE,  
Here We Stand... IN FIRE,  
Ooooo....  
We Share A Heart,  
There Is One Pulse...**

 ****  
************************

 ****

 **Justin's POV :**

 ****  
**************

I don't know even where to begin. Start at the point where I found Brian in the loft, in such a state of mass traumatized depression... or start when I knew he was telling me one huge bold-faced lie.

Hell yeah he's lied to me before, but this was the only time I could remember where it was clear his insides were being ripped apart and he still denied feeling the way his body and facial expressions gave off.

As usual, the more I prodded, the more I had my own head shredded to bits. I wish Michael were here. Michael knows how to handle Brian. Me? I'm just trying to do what *I* would do in a relationship just like this... and then finding out that Michael was right all along...

I have this tendency to want to help. Do anything I can for those I love and who are close to me. But for Brian... for Brian Kinney, Michael's best advice to me was... "Give him the space he needs. Let him come to you. Smother him and he'll run further away."

I did try to hold him, he's been inconsolable some nights. So then I back away and simply lay beside him, staring at his naked back as he softly sobs into his pillow. I'd reach out to smooth a hand over his flushed skin and Brian would flinch away. Next thing I know, he's pulling up a light sheet and a pillow. He's on his way into the living room where Michael just bought him a brand new sofa.

Most days, I find Brian there. In the middle of the night... sometimes after coming back to the loft from work. Clothed or naked as the day he was born, Brian covets that stupid fuckin' sofa as if it had manifested all of Michael's qualities. And if I was any way a weirdo of some kind, I'd swear that sofa fit Brian like he was made for it... like it was snuggling him.

Yet again, another thing for me to thank Michael for. I don't know how he does it. How he keeps Brian from going batshit crazy, but he does it. The oddest moments are when he happens to do it even when he's not here. Brian's stuck in the past and thriving off memories of him and Michael.

Twenty years is a long time, I've finally realized. That's nearly ALL of my life. I've barely even scratched the Kinney surface, compared to Michael. And I'm suddenly thinking I don't know if I can last much longer.

Do I know what I want? Yeah... Brian.

Will I get what I want? If you had asked me that five years ago... I'd be so bad-ass and say, "You bet your fuckin' life I am.", but ask me now... especially since this past week... I'm not so sure Brian can honestly give me what I want... since I'm now back to square one of not knowing what the hell I want, but even more so what I need, what I deserve.

The wanting of Brian won't get me anywhere, but needing him is something entirely different. The wants can easily be fulfilled, the needs I am finding are much more difficult to sustain. Brian will always have different wants and needs then me. He will find his own way to appease them. I'm finding out that I can't DO what he does and look myself in the mirror every morning and be *pleased* with who I am.

Are Brian and I over? Uh... well, now that I think about it... we've been over for quite awhile. Now we're simply trying to hang on to each other or this *idea* and an image we have of one another that doesn't fit anymore. Maybe we're holding on for some emotional strength thinking that the minute either of us let's go... that'll be the end of us. Not the together *us* but our own person. Our own sanity while we're apart.

Brian told me he loved me and if it wasn't for Michael nearly dying and his life hanging in the balance... I'd be one happy gay boy. Instead, I'm questioning every motive Brian has behind every action.

Especially when Brian's been left alone for a few hours and is allowed to think about... everything.

We had an argument last night. Something silly and insignificant. I ended it by asking Brian point blank how he was feeling... and proceeded to get the brunt of whatever was bothering him.

  
~*~ **FLASHBACK** ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

 ****

 **"Brian..."**

 ****

 **"What?"**

 **"Are you okay?"**

 **"I fuckin' told you that I was five minutes ago. Give it a rest."**

 **"But you..."**

 **Brian put up a hand to ward off anymore inquiries. He was sitting in front of his computer monitor, skipping through electronic garbage in his Inbox. "Did you call your mother back?"**

 **Justin snapped his head around. His brow scrunched in a frown. "When did YOU talk to my mother?"**

 **Brian opened his mouth to snap back a witty barb, but then thought better of it. He moved his mouse about the flat pad to situate his cursor on screen. He kept deleting the junk. "I didn't. She called you here... where you live. She left a message on the machine. I think it's been there for two days now."**

 **"Oh... I already know what it's about." Justin stormed from the dining room into the bedroom. He was digging out his portfolio of artwork. "Are you going out tonight?" He was simply asking because he wanted to draw a few missing things on some of his sketches. He would spread his art all over the dining room table. Better to do it if Brian wasn't here and bitching about taking up so much space.**

 **"Why? You got a Hot Date?" Brian tried to laugh, but it didn't sound like it filled his whole body. His eyes never left the monitor.**

 **"No, Brian. Unless you've got plans for a Hot Date for me... or for us." Justin huffed out in frustration at how Brian could deflate important issues. Or keep changing the subject when he tried to avoid serious conversation. He found the pieces he wanted to work on and was about ready to chug them over to the table when he noticed how quiet Brian had gotten in the span of a few minutes. "Brian, why don't you...?" He was standing on the top step, his left foot ready to press down on the next step.**

 **Brian had pushed himself away from the computer desk, nearly rolling himself into the brick wall.**

 **From where Justin was standing, he could see how pale Brian had become. It almost looked as if he might be having some difficulty breathing at the moment.**

 **"Brian, what's wron-...?"**

 **The second Justin had made it halfway toward him, Brian had roughly kicked his roll-away chair from under him and across the hardwood floor. He practically made a quick jog toward the other side of the bedroom. Then proceeded to shut himself in the bathroom.**

 **The shower turned on in the next few minutes.**

 **Justin sat stunned beyond belief. He should go toward Brian, but his curiosity got the better of him.**

 **Brian hadn't used his mouse once. Whatever had spooked him was probably still on the screen.**

 **Looking back into the bedroom, Justin placed his artwork on the sofa, then moved toward Brian's computer desk. He brought Brian's chair over and let his eyes flitter about the blinking monitor.**

 **The cursor had hit exactly on an email from Michael, dated a few days before the explosion at Babylon. Before Michael had been hurt and they had no idea if he'd make it through alive.**

 **Brian had opened it... possibly read it and then closed it in compete devastation.**

 **Justin slowly rolled the chair up to the desk and moved the cursor to click on the email...  
**  
~*~

 ****

 ** END FLASHBACK **

****

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

 ****

 **Justin's POV :**

 ****  
**************

That email from Michael was nothing special. Nothing that would have made Brian bolt for the shower stall. I think it was the email PLUS what Michael had attached for Brian to look over. Maybe download into his own files.

Pictures of Jenny... and then pictures of Michael with Jenny. No where was Ben found, but that was Michael's brilliance. The importance of the contact was so Brian could see Jenny and her doting father.

I cried after I read the email, along with seeing the pictures.

Michael clearly adores his daughter. Jenny certainly is comfy in her Daddy's arms.

I think the email and pictures caused a jolt of realization to Brian. That Michael might not have had more time with Jenny, because of the accident. Because of the fund raising event at Babylon. Because Brian had tried to keep Michael away from THIS... with Jenny. Of wanting to be a good father and wanting to build her a home she could feel safe in.

I did eventually go into the bathroom, but I pretended like I was brushing my teeth or something stupid like that.

Brian was still under the shower head, letting the water cascade down his body.

I knew in my heart... he was shedding something.

Tears? I'll never know. Sorrow and loss? I'm certain of that. Guilt? For sure.

Brian and Michael hadn't been on the best of terms before this explosion almost ripped them out of each other's lives. So the guilt lay heavy on Brian's shoulders.

I wanted to stay, because I knew Brian needed someone. He needed the contact of another human being to wipe away the trail of death from his eyes. But I couldn't do it. I couldn't do it to myself again.

Be a replacement body for the one person Brian always needed in times like these.

Michael... and Brian had nearly lost him...

I can't BE that person for Brian anymore. He needs to come to understand his feelings while he's suffering. I know he'll be okay, if I leave him for the night. I don't have to worry he'll cause harm to himself, because the pain he's going through is hurtful enough.

Brian almost lost Michael once. I don't think he's going to do anything, intentionally, to lose one second more of the time he has with Michael, even if they aren't on speaking terms, yet.

I can't be here to watch him, because it will destroy me and make me weak again. I will crawl back into his arms like I always do and we'll have incredible sex.

And I will lay there wondering if it was even me he was fucking... like I always do...

After Brian showered... he did end up going out... where he went I'll never know...

  
~*~*~

 ****

 ** FLASHBACK **

****

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
 ****

 **Where Brian Went That Night :**

 ****  
*******************************

 ****

 **"Brian..." The voice had a semi-smile on his face. "... I know it's you."**

 ****

 **"Huh... what...?" Brian sat idle, in his Corvette, in a neighborhood he never thought he'd venture into at these kind of hours. He hoped a police officer didn't patrol these streets often.**

 **Ben cleared his throat. "Brian... would you like to talk to Michael?"**

 **Ben knew the routine.**

 **For quite a few nights... since Michael had been back home from the hospital... Brian would call the house to hear Michael's voice. Sometimes that was all he needed, to hear Michael say something, then he'd hang up. Lately, he was allowing Michael to speak about his day. The conversation stilted because Brian would be so quiet on the other line, contemplative. Michael would simply babble on about anything... and Jenny, mostly.**

 **Now, Brian had become brave enough to speak back, carry on a simple discussion. But some truths that were hitting Michael hard were coming out. Truths that Michael had always known, but Brian had never voiced.**

 **"Uh... if... well, if he's able to. I don't want to..." Brian pounded his fist on the steering wheel.**

 **"Brian, quit it." Ben huffed out of his desk chair to stroll downstairs. He knew right where Michael was. "Hey, cutie... it's for you..."**

 **Brian could hear the soft giggle. His eyes shut in agony. Agony of maybe never hearing that adorable giggle ever again. He tried to catch his breath to prepare himself for hearing Michael's voice.**

 **As Ben handed Michael the cordless extension, he silently mouthed that it was *Brian* on the other end. He tried to joke that Michael should *behave* as well and not pick a fight with his best friend. He knew those days were over. Something had definitely settled between Brian and Michael. He stood around for one minute to listen to Michael's greeting.**

 **"Hi..." Michael placed the phone between his shoulder and ear, so he could keep doing what he was doing. "... I'm glad you called."**

 **Brian sighed heavily, not sure what to say next. He was unbelievably nervous. "Yeah? Are you sure?"**

 **Michael chuckled. "Of course I'm sure."**

 **"What are you doing?" Brian could almost hear how out of breath Michael was getting. He put a palm to his chest hoping Michael's asthma attacks weren't reoccurring as a result of the smoke inhalation.**

 **"Laundry. You wouldn't believe the piles that grew while I was gone." Michael tried to laugh off the silliness, but he could hear Brian's intake of breath at the blase use of the word *gone*. "No... I'm, uh, fibbin' just a bit. Hunter's back home for a few weeks. He's not here right now, so I had nothing better to do but twiddle my thumbs. I decided to help the process along."**

 **Brian leaned his head back on his seat. "I told you..." He was about to say "I told you so" on the fact that Hunter would come back into the family fold, but there was something sad in Michael's tone that spoke of Hunter growing up and growing apart from his two Dads.**

 **"He'll be leaving again, though. Found himself a roommate in Philadelphia."**

 **"Oh... well then..."**

 **"Was there some reason you called, Brian?" Michael wasn't gonna pick on the hour that Brian was calling, but he thought it was weird that after not speaking to one another for weeks on end these phone calls were building up.**

 **"No... well, yeah... actually... I, uh... got your email..." Brian thought his voice sounded silly and pubescent. Like Michael would really care now if he read any email he'd sent to him before Death had loomed over his head.**

 **"What email?" Michael furrowed his brow. He hadn't sent an email to Brian in weeks.**

 **"Pictures of Jenny... and you..."**

 **"Oh... and you just now found it? Well, I don't know what to say."**

 **"I don't either." Brian managed to squeeze out on a nervous chuckle. "I freaked. After the accident... knowing what could've happened... and then seeing Jenny and you..." He almost cracked his head on the driver's side window.**

 **Michael finally put two and two together. Usually took him a few minutes, but he could always figure Brian's train of thought out. "Life is shitty, isn't it?"**

 **Brian was too quiet. He turned on his air conditioning, feeling his face growing hotter.**

 **Michael could hear the Stingray's engine. "Brian, you aren't home are you? It sounds like..."**

 **"I wanna meet her."**

 **"Huh?"**

 **"Jenny. I want... to meet her..." Brian attempted to enunciate through being tongue tied.**

 **Michael put down Hunter's clothes and proceeded to remain speechless. "Brian, what...?"**

 **"Can I, Michael?" Brian almost was able to speak through the lump in his throat. "Can I meet your daughter?"**

 **Michael giggled. "Funny... I thought it would be years before I'd hear a question like that. I was sure it'd come from some pimply face nerd who thought my daughter had one bodacious bod and a nice rack." He cracked himself up at his own tease, only hearing Brian join in slightly. "Brian, look... because of the schedule... I don't have Jenny until..." He wandered over to the calendar on the refrigerator. Something came to him the minute he touched the cool surface of the fridge. "You're outside Mel and Linds, aren't you?"**

 **"I need to see her on her own. On my own. The two of us."**

 **"Why? I don't..." Michael shook his head, his brow wrinkled in befuddlement.**

 **"I feel... I feel like somehow... I need to apologize to her. Apologize for almost taking her father away from her. I wasn't being fair... to her or... to you..."**

 **"Brian... the accident wasn't your fault..."**

 **"That's NOT what I'm apologizing for. I know I wasn't guilty for that, but I was guilty of something much more destructive."**

 **"She's just a baby, Brian. She'll never know what's been happening. There's no apologies necessary. Isn't that usually what you say? Along with that *no regrets*?"**

 **"Maybe it's about time I dropped the act, since it doesn't seem to be working for me any longer." Brian wasn't hearing Michael jump at the idea of Jenny being in his presence... but neither was he saying, "no way in Hell".**

 **"Brian..."**

 **"Please don't deny me this, Michael."**

 **"I'm not..." Michael shut his eyes, he turned to lean back on the fridge. "I ... uh... wish she was living here... with me... and that you were coming over to be here... to see her... with me..."**

 **Brian couldn't stop the stupid grin from spreading over his face. "I need to do this on my own, Michael. I owe Jenny. Your turn will come later."**

 **"You don't owe me anything, Brian."**

 **"Shut. Up. Yes, I do."**

 **"No... you don't..."**

 **"Yes... and that's my final answer..."**

 **"No... and I'll times my answer by infinity..."**

 **"Michael..."**

 **"Yeah, Brian?" Michael wiped a hand over his exhausted face.**

 **"G'night."**

 **"Tuck her in good for me." Michael never knew how long these phone calls from Brian would last. He wanted to get in all that he could before Brian hung up on him.**

 **"I will."**

 **"And give her plenty of kisses. She's got chubby cheeks, like me. They need extra special consideration. Oh... and she likes the blue bunny... for some reason."**

 **"Blue bunny?"**

 **"Maybe she's starting a fetish. I don't know, but be careful... it might have baby drool on it. She's kinda teething. And... oh, uh... if you're holding her to your chest and she begins to get cranky... there's this spot on her back... like right near her lower spine... just rub it. Rub it with your thumb. She likes that. Sometimes she's fallen asleep in my arms while I've done that."**

 **Brian wasn't able to stop laughing silently to himself. "Michael..."**

 **"Yeah?"**

 **"I'll be alright. I'll figure it out."**

 **"I know you will. Look at Gus."**

 **"I think a few other people were involved in that child rearing." Brian had known how much time Michael had given to Gus whenever he had the chance.**

 **"He's lucky to have YOU. Believe me, I know what that feels like."**

 **"Shut up, Michael."**

 **"I'm just sending out the info. You take it however you want."**

 **"I won't drop Jenny on her head. I promise."**

 **"Brian... stop it... I know you won't. I just... I'm kinda sad to know I won't be able to see your face when you see her. She grows every day. Even I see the changes whenever I have her."**

 **"I won't be able to NOT think of you while I'm with her. Is that refreshing enough?"**

 **Michael felt the tears rise. "I love her, Brian." He found it hard to breathe when talking about her with Brian.**

 **"I know you do."**

 **"She's my world and anyone who comes between me and my daughter..."**

 **Brian closed his eyes. He knew the ending to that statement all too well. "I know..."**

 **"I didn't mean you, Brian."**

 **"I know you didn't. It's my own interpretation. I'm agreeing with you because I understand how deep your feelings go."**

 **"Do you?"**

 **"For Jenny... yes."**

 **"Oh... yeah... for Jenny..."**

 **"Michael..."**

 **"Brian... look it's getting late. You better get into that house before they lock up for the night."**

 **"Can I see you... sometime?"**

 **Michael was unable to speak for a few seconds of reaction time. Brian had never requested this before. "You working tomorrow?"**

 **"Yeah... but I can..."**

 **"Come over for lunch. To the house. I don't think anyone will be here with me. I don't need supervision anymore."**

 **"I'll call you, either way. I don't know how busy I'll be tomorrow. We got this new client..." Brian let his voice disappear. He couldn't believe he was going to try and make random excuses NOT to see Michael.**

 **"Brian... you okay?"**

 **"I'm fine. I just..." Brian closed his eyes tight, willing himself not to sound like a complete dork. "I can't fathom why I'm trying to back out when I know how badly I want to see you."**

 **Michael was struck dumb. Who the hell was he talking to again? Brian? Mr. Innuendo himself? "Whoa... I didn't expect that. Brian, it's okay if you don't want..."**

 **"But I do... like I said... badly... but I don't know what I'll feel like tomorrow... around lunch time."**

 **"I'm not gonna pressure you."**

 **"I wish you would."**

 **"Brian, I'll be here."**

 **Brian ached from the comment. "Promise?"**

 **"Brian, don't..." Michael shook his head of maudlin thoughts. "Look... you just show up if you can. I'll try to have some food, but I think I might have to do some grocery shopping."**

 **"I can bring something."**

 **"Just bring yourself... and I'll be happy."**

 **"You're so easy."**

 **"Sssshhhh, don't tell Ben."**

 **"I won't."**

 **"So... see you later... okay?" Michael found it odd that Brian didn't respond quicker. "Okay, Brian?"**

 **"Later... yeah..."**

 **"Bye..." Michael waited again, but could only hear Brian breathing.**

 **Brian was even spooked into never saying *goodbye* to Michael ever again... for fear it might come true. "G'night..."**

 **"Tell Jenny I send my love."**

 **"Uh-huh..." Brian was almost ready to lose it.**

 **"Brian?"**

 **"Hmmmm?"**

 **"It's okay. I know."**

 **Brian sat shocked as Michael was the one to click off this time. It was only a few minutes later when he found courage enough to walk up to the Merry Muncher's porch.**

 ********************************************

 **"What the hell?" Melanie came out of the kitchen to find Lindsay watching Brian's retreating back go up the main staircase. "Did Michael send him over?"**

 **Lindsay scrunched her brow in worry. Brian hadn't looked very pleased to be trudging upstairs. She shook her head. "No. He's here on his own. But he did ask Michael's permission... for some oddball reason. I thought he was here to see Gus. Jenny started fussin' a few minutes ago and Brian simply asked me if he could handle it." She shrugged her shoulders at a loss in understanding Brian.**

 **Melanie frowned in some displeasure. "You actually trust him in the room alone with Jenny?"**

 **"Brian'll be okay. He probably won't even touch her."**

 **At that moment, the cries from Jenny's bedroom halted and muted behind a softly shut door.**

 **Lindsay and Melanie stood at the base of the stairs, worry on their faces for different reasons.**

 ************************************************

 **Jenny was bawling up a storm as the bedroom door gently opened, then shut softly. The patch of light, across her crib surface, broadened, then dissipated, causing her to fidget on her back to become aware of what was going on.**

 **The creak of the door shutting was next as the hinges rested.**

 **Jenny simmered down to quaint mumbles and sighs. She expected the pretty faces and gentle voices of the two people who usually hung out by her crib when she made a fuss. The heavy footfalls were unfamiliar and the scents blowing through were unlike any she'd ever smelled before.**

 **Instinctively, Jenny reached out her tiny hand to grapple for the floppy ears of her plush friend. One-arm hugging, mostly strangling, the stuffed animal tight. Her wide-chocolate eyes stared up in frightened wonder.**

 **The tall shadowed figure was much like another Jenny had seen, but in her other room, hovering above her other crib. This one never came near. Arms did not reach in to pick her up and hold her. She pouted in the midst of a strange gurgle.**

 **The flat of Jenny's palm smacked the wooden bars of her forced bedtime prison. The miniature fingers spread to clasp the long rectangular shapes. She wasn't trying to play with the side of her crib, she was curious to the stranger at her side. No words spoken and using the darkness to intently gaze over at her.**

 **As many funny faces, and sounds, as she made, the more Jenny squirmed about like a turtle on it's back. Her little chubby legs kicking the fleece free. The stranger still refused to step up, even touch her... a nice, warm cuddle was all she wanted.**

 **Jenny gave up her playfulness, sighing in discontent. She wasn't scared, not afraid. What she did feel was a sense of safety from harm... of being protected... and an odd vibe of love, unconditional.**

 **Jenny ceased making noises, becoming quiet. Her hand still reached out through the crib slats. She looked above her to whatever new mobile was dangling over her head to keep her distracted, or entertained.**

 **Jenny shut her eyes, dreaming of one face she'd come to anticipate... and miss... then any she'd known in her newborn life. The dark eyes, dark hair she was allowed to tangle in her hands... the silly grins she always managed to force out of him... the softest kisses whenever she was least expecting them and the most gentle hugs that held her close.**

 **Maybe this stranger would make her feel those same things... maybe... hopefully...**

 **There was the lightest of touches to Jenny's flexing fingers and hand which startled her to reopen her eyes. She turned her head to look between the empty spaces of her crib toward the face venturing near.**

 **All Jenny did was smile... mimicking the silly grins she'd grown to adore.**

 **Little did Jenny know how much she mirrored her father for a split second, overwhelming the stranger at her crib side.**

 **It was then that Jenny finally heard the stranger speak, muttering something she'd heard before, but never so softly strangled.**

 **~~TBC...**


	2. Chapter 2

**"Oh... Fuck..."**

 **Brian had only meant to reach out, let Jenny innocently grip his fingers, but he never knew how he'd react if she looked over at him. Especially with one of Michael's trademark smiles, usually turning him into mush.**

 **On Jenny, that smile made Brian completely crumble.**

 **Brian managed to drag over a tiny footstool in order to catch his ass from falling to the floor. He was now on the same level as Jenny's face. He could see her brow furrowing in deep concentration.**

 **The blue bunny was now in one fierce choke hold.**

 **Jenny was trying to roll over, onto her belly.**

 **Brian lifted himself, slightly, to reach in and help the tiny body balance the awkward weight, landing safely on the mattress.**

 **Jenny brought the infamous blue bunny up to her face, letting the fluffiness protect her head, like a pillow. This freed up both her hands. Both coming out to snatch Brian's hand.**

 **"Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!" Brian quickly remembered Michael warning him about teething and baby drool. His manicure would be ruined, for sure. He certainly didn't want to become some youngster's chew toy...**

 **Okay... well... maybe, but not THIS youngster...**

 **Brian chuckled at his own perverted thoughts, then proceeded to stare aghast when Jenny chuckled along with him. He never expected any child, much less a baby, to be so attuned to the people around her.**

 **"Hey, kid... umm... I, uh..."**

 **FUCK!**

 **How did one go about introducing themselves to a baby? Did they ever register names, words or phrases at this age?**

 **Brian had somehow suddenly forgot everything they had done with Gus.**

 **This was totally different, right? A baby girl? Weren't they like ten thousand times smarter than the average boy baby?**

 **Brian should've Googled a few pieces of information before he came over. Or maybe he should do what he did with Gus... fuckin' wing it.**

 **Wing it, but treat Jenny as if she were like Michael, around the first few years of their friendship.**

 **Jenny's eyes were deeply concentrated on Brian's face, waiting his every move. Brian knew he had to speak up or leave, never to return until Jenny was old enough to learn what a piece of shit asshole he really could be.**

 **What Brian feared most was the moment Jenny would break him. The moment he would feel compelled to pick her up and snuggle her close to his heart, like he always did with Michael.**

 **"Brian. Brian Kinney." Brian shook his fingers with Jenny's two warm hands.**

 **Jenny wouldn't quit staring, watching the lips move even in shrouded darkness. She tried drawing Brian near, but felt the resistance. Her puny strength was easily overpowered.**

 **"No." Brian took back his fingers. "Not... now. Not yet. Lemme say..." He had to glance away or fall into a trance of some sort. This wasn't a usual high he was familiar with as he felt his body perspiring more and more.**

 **Brian shook off his leather jacket, letting it fall behind him to the floor.**

 **"Look... kid-..." Brian cleared his clogged windpipe. "... Jen..." He placed his two palms together, leaning forward, swinging his arms between his knees. "Don't ask me to call you that godawful nickname... JR. Sounds... ridiculous. You're not a heir to Ewing Oil and you're certainly much cuter then that *bear* Larry Hagman." He snorted at his own joke, which made Jenny laugh again. He looked under his lids at her. "Stop that. You have no idea what I'm laughing about and I'm certain your parents don't want me explaining the jokes to you."**

 **Jenny laughed on her own this time... just to get a reaction from Brian. She squished her face to the bars, as if trying to spread apart the slats to squeeze her head through.**

 **"Ahhhh... so you haven't gotten your superpowers yet, my young apprentice." Brian thought he sounded a bit like Obi-Wan, but knew it would be lost on Jenny. He bet she'd grow up to love Star Wars as much as her father did. The originals, not the new breed of crap. "You must use The Force for good, not evil." He waggled a parental finger toward her face.**

 **Jenny one-hand gripped the finger... missing the contact already.**

 **"Shit. Fine. Have at it." Brian shrugged, allowing Jenny to take his whole hand, but he still wouldn't touch her. "... but the minute I see your gums... or drool... even spittle... I'm outie!!" He chucked a thumb over his shoulder to show how fast he'd exit the room.**

 **As if Jenny heard and comprehended every word, she played nice. She let their hands dangle through the crib slats. She settled her head on the blue bunny in order to find a comfortable spot to listen to the voice talk at her. She liked the sounds it made in her ears... kind of soothing without being too loud. And no baby talk like some people did with her that really upset her.**

 **"This... is silly." Brian yanked his hand back, making Jenny arch up off her torso. "Sit back, Jen." He stood, grabbed the sides of the crib and pulled the bars down. Now, with a little lip still blocking off the crib mattress, Brian could finally look at Jenny, face to face, without the slats of the crib marring the view. He'd challenged clients bigger then Jenny. So why the hell couldn't he win her over?**

 **No... wait... not *win* Jenny over, but be able to be a smooth, suave character with her? Why was she making Brian so nervous?**

 **Maybe it was because he hadn't anticipated her birth very much, even with the idea of Jenny being Michael's offspring. Maybe because he knew the power of Michael's love and affection, the very idea of any of it being taken from him would sour any feelings he could have for Jenny. None of it was fair... to Michael or Jenny.**

 **Or maybe... deep down inside... Michael would always be his, in his heart, and having allowed Ben into their lives was painful enough. And that having to watch Michael slip away from him... day by day, hour by hour being sucked into a life of domesticity... without him... was downright cruel and unusual punishment.**

 **Jenny smirked at being able to crawl closer, but she stopped right at her crib's ledge. She paused and settled back down on the blue bunny, her head turned to look at Brian.**

 **Brian kept one hand curled about the crib ledge, tightening and loosening the grip in intense feeling. He was angry... but never could he show that to Jenny. His family was dissolving before his eyes and he couldn't bear to let Michael go only to see him happy somewhere else. But sadly, he'd been witness to what kind of destruction these feelings created in his life. He knew Michael was hurting, as well, but it was a small comfort to know that he wasn't alone.**

 **The sheer fact of not ever having Michael... on this Earth... was even worse to fathom. That split second of fear of never being able to say "I`m sorry... for being a shit to you... for never saying the words you've always wanted to hear from me... for letting you walk out of my life and build what should be between us with someone else..."**

 **Jenny reached over to smack her palm on top of Brian's hand. She tried again to loosen his hold and bring the fingers over.**

 **"Jen... No... c'mon... I haven't even..." Brian thought for sure Jenny would eat his fingers, gnaw on them until her gums were raw and he was covered in drool. He should have known that a child of Michael's would somehow instinctively know what Brian Kinney would want... would need at a time like this.**

 **All Jenny did was roll on her side to intensely investigate the hand she'd stolen. Compare it's differences to other hands that she was privy to. Stare at her own hand against the huge-mongous one of Brian's. She didn't munch, she didn't chew. She rolled back over on her stomach and proceeded to keep Brian's hand, but placed it on top of her blue bunny, resting her cheek on top of Brian's hand. She sighed in content.**

 **"Why... you little... shit..." Brian smirked to find that Jenny was more like Michael in simple characteristics. She won his heart... instantly. He drew the stool closer. His body awkwardly hanging over the small lip of the crib ledge he had lowered before. His free hand came over to brush back her spikey locks of raven waves. He tentatively reached down to press a gentle kiss on her brow. He watched her eyes blink slowly, in exhaustion. "An apology seems useless now. It's like you don't even know what could have been... which is somewhere I'd like to be right about now." He brought his face back to stare down at Jenny. "I'm more sorry then you'll ever know. I'll try to make it up to both of you... you and you father. I don't know why anyone bothers to listen to me when I talk. It's all bullshit anyway."**

 **Jenny chuckled on her own again, then closed her eyes.**

 **"Problem is... I still feel like there's something left to say. To you, especially. I can't NOT leave and think that things are square between you and I." Brian shook his head at how ludicrous this felt to be speaking to a baby. Funny to feel like her subtle quietness was actually her listening to every word he was speaking. He suddenly stood, causing Jenny to arch up again and pout, almost ready to cry on the spot. "Hey, it's okay. I'm not leaving. Not yet. I thought... well..."**

 **Jenny let her little body roll over onto her back. She held out the blue bunny for Brian to take.**

 **Brian felt she was offering it to him so he could have something of comfort when he went back to his bed at the loft. Problem was the blue bunny was not going to cut it tonight. He shook his head and gently batted her hand away. "Can I...?" He scratched at his chin, then bit at his thumb. "Do you mind if I...?"**

 **Jenny let out her own smile of happiness, both her arms reaching up to be taken into Brian's arms.**

 **Brian easily hefted her out of the crib, grabbing for the blue bunny and the fleece blanket. The stool wasn't comfortable enough to hold Jenny on, so he walked them over to the nursing rocker Lindsay and Melanie must have used to send Gus and Jenny off to sleep.**

 **Jenny settled perfectly into Brian's right shoulder. One tiny hand moving up to grip tight onto his hair, the other patting his chest, like she was commending him on the good job he was doing. She felt him readjust her height, then fix it so she could rest her head in the curve of his neck.**

 **They were soon both settled in the rocker.**

 **Brian offered the blue bunny first, which Jenny took. Then proceeded to cover Jenny's lower body with the fleece blanket. The rocker was more comfortable then he thought. "Careful." He warned Jenny of her fingers tangling in his hair. "Do anymore of that... and I'll be out like a light, even before you."**

 **Jenny did stop, but she would tug only so often, just to keep Brian awake enough until she fell asleep. Or until she had her fill of his company.**

 **"Damn... do you feel like a story or something like that? I'd read you a fairytale but it's all useless garbage. There's no such thing as Prince Charming and a white knight in shining armor." Brian felt Jenny cuddle closer, her face buried into his shoulder. The soft breathes against his skin. "Okay... well... I'm a big fat liar on that end, but I do have stories to tell you. About your father... and me. They might not be the Happily Ever After fairytales... but... shit..." He rubbed at his moist brow. "I was gonna make some stupid joke about them really being *fairy* tales because of your father and I being gay men. See *fairy*?" He made the hand gesture of a very effeminate man. "Stories about your father and me? Get it..." He waited for her chuckle, but all she did was tug on his hair again and hug her blue bunny close. "Okay... I'll stop with the jokes and get to what you wanna hear..."**

 **What would Jenny like to hear about? The day he and Michael met? The day Michael first fell in love? Or the day Brian knew... without a shadow of doubt... Michael was his... and his alone... and Brian's love for Michael would be no one else's to take?**

 **Yeah... that was a perfect day... Junior Year Prom. He had an even better story... their Senior Year Prom... but Brian would save that one for the next night he came over to visit Jenny. Maybe when she was at her father's house and Michael could help him tell the tale, as well.**

 **Brian nudged his chin on top of Jenny's soft plait of hair. He thought to kiss the bare skin, but knew he couldn't do that too much or he'd become addicted and Jenny would always expect it of him. So he simply rested his cheek on her head. He did pick up her hand that had been holding the blue bunny. He let her fingers curl about his thumb, watching in fascination how tiny they were compared to his own. The fingernails so brittle and soft. He brought the fingers to his lips, brushing a brief smooch on them.**

 **"Jen... where do I begin...?" Brian murmured the words against Jenny's hand... and found he knew exactly where to start his story.  
**   
~*~*~ ** FLASHBACK within a FLASHBACK ** ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
**Where Brian Exactly Began His *Fairy* Tale...:**   
********************************************** 

**Jesse Barclay was THE hottest guy on campus (yes, even Brian Kinney conceded to that fact).**

 **Captain of the football, and basketball, team and a well-rounded athlete in all that he pursued. A straight A student with a free-ride to any Ivy League college of his choice. Senior year... he wanted to leave with a bang.**

 **Brian knew exactly how Jesse wished he could go out like... but Brian didn't know if he could bear witness to another heartbreak for Michael.**

 **Jesse had been dating one of the more popular girls in school for two years. She was drop dead gorgeous... nice ass, big tits and a body that wouldn't quit. Except Jesse was growing bored... and hated living his secret life apart from reality.**

 **Brian could swear on one of his mother's many Bibles that Jesse was gayer then Liberace, without the piano and extravagant outfits. He'd had enough blow jobs... and given enough of them, in the gym locker rooms, to have witnessed this event for himself.**

 **Jesse liked boys. Better yet, he liked younger boys. This year's Freshman class was a delicious palate of untapped goodness. The skinnier, the better. The darker, the better. The more naive and innocent looking... the better.**

 **Michael was a perfect specimen for the taking.**

 **Michael was Jesse's secret obsession. Brian was semi-popular, along with Jesse, and his friendship with Michael was an easy excuse. Jesse had pretended to like Brian, in order to be near Michael.**

 **Michael adoration of Jesse wasn't lost on Brian. And Brian never tried to sway Michael from his lusting, except when it would cause him undue pain and needless stress. So Brian'd make some off-hand remark about Jesse, dispelling the myth... and Michael would be onto some new passion.**

 **Brian was safe and Michael was still his.**

 **That was until the weekend of Jesse's party a month before Prom. Brian had been invited, but wasn't sure if Michael wanted to go. Little did he know... Jesse had made his own private invitation.**

 **"You have got... to be shittin' me!" Brian slammed his locker door closed, handing Michael some of their books.**

 **"I swear... it was after class. He pulled me aside and..." Michael was talking a mile a minute, his face flushed and cheeks pinker then usual.**

 **"What class?" Brian wanted to know... when, why, where and how often? He could tell when Michael's lips had been kissed. Looked like it had been pretty rough and hot, deep and wet. Shit!**

 **"Chemistry." Michael bit the inside of his cheek at the inside joke.**

 **"Har-Har, Mikey." Brian took their books back into his hands. "You know he only wants in your pants? He doesn't care about you... or your feelings." He hooked an arm about Michael's neck. "Not like I do." He secretly licked at Michael's ear lobe.**

 **"Quit it!" Michael weakly tried to push Brian off him, when he really wanted to pull him closer, wrap his arm about Brian's waist. Too many people were looking and watching. It was better for them if he simply remained tucked under Brian's arm... like a good best friend. He looked down, stubbing the toes of his sneakers on the tiled floor. "You're just jealous."**

 **"Of Jess?!" Brian shook his head and tried to keep from laughing. "I keep telling you what a complete slut-whore he is. Why won't you believe me?"**

 **"Because."**

 **" `Cause why... and don't tell me it's his eyes and how honest an' true blue they are, Mikey. That's fuckin' bullshit right there. In my opinion."**

 **"I didn't ask your opinion, now did I?" Michael threatened with some bravery, hands on hips just like Debbie.**

 **"No... you didn't, but you're trying to rub this in my face somehow and I'm not biting. Well..." Brian tried to bite for Michael's neck, but he slunk along the lockers before Brian could reach him. "... not the kind of biting I like."**

 **"Would you stop already with that!"**

 **"Mikey... who gives a fuck who sees us?"**

 **"I do... and about five hundred of our classmates."**

 **"Why do you care so much? They don't give a shit about you. Or me."**

 **"Wrong. They care about ME when they see me with YOU. They don't care what YOU do... as long as it's not with ME. Try being in my shoes... for once... it ain't fun, Brian."**

 **"But you still love me, don't you?" Brian tilted his head to look at Michael's face as he bowed it in shame. "Don't you...?" He was worried for a minute.**

 **Michael reached out to grab onto Brian's shirt. His fingers grappling for the waistband of Brian's jeans. "Yeah... I do. You know I do."**

 **"Yeah, I do, too..." Brian mumbled out as he one-arm hugged Michael to him. "C'mon... we have Study Hall next. I'll show you how to finish that homework from Geometry." He loved feeling the scattered touch of Michael's fingers, especially when they scraped bare skin. Michael put his arm around Brian's waist, for once, in front of the entire student body. Michael smiled up at Brian hanging off him. Brian always made him look one hundred percent cooler then anybody else. "So... are you taking me?"**

 **"Where?" Brian pretended he'd forgotten already.**

 **"To Jesse's?"**

 **"Isn't your date picking you up? Why do *I* have to drag your lame ass there... only so you can star gaze into his pretty baby blues?" Brian teased, knowing Michael didn't even have to ask him. They were going together, no matter what.**

 **"Maybe I'll find something better to look at." Michael teased Brian, knowing when he fluttered his eyes up at him, like this, Brian would do anything for him.**

 **"You little shit!" Brian proceeded to spank Michel soundly on his tight ass. "None of my special hot cocoa for you tonight."**

 **Michael caressed his stinging ass, backing into the cafeteria where their Study Hall class was being held. "You coming over tonight?"**

 **Brian shrugged one shoulder, handing Michael the books and notebook paper he would need. "I don't know. Maybe. Do you mind?"**

 **"Mind?" Michael daringly stepped up to Brian, toe-to-toe, and met him directly in the face. "I love having you over for company. Ma makes the best food when you're there." He quickly pressed his lips to Brian's, still feeling sore from Jesse's kiss.**

 **Brian stared in shock. "Mikey... you devil..." He put a hand to his chest as if he was flustered and unhinged... which was only half a lie. Michael's kisses tended to be his downfall, no matter how they came at him.**

 **Michael arced one eyebrow in devilish reaction, then proceeded to try and find an available table for them to share, making sure one or two seats separated them like the teacher always wanted. They wouldn't be able to talk to one another, but Brian always found ways of sending messages to Michael, without anyone knowing or aware.  
**   
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
**Novotny residence... two nights later...:**   
*************************************** 

_"Stop! Quit it!" Michael begged, trying to keep his arms away from Brian. He was in the middle of a good battle scene with Captain Astro and one of his arch nemeses. "You're gonna make me lose my place, Brian!"_

 _"You stop... and pay attention to me... or I'll tickle you again and it won't be pretty." Brian already had his hand on Michael's tickle spot._

 _"One more page. I promise. And then you can have my undivided attention." Michael put down the comic on his chest, trying to keep Brian's fingers calm and unmoving. "I swear."_

 _"On who and what?"_

 _"Astro... and on his..." Michael could see Brian slinking away, by his facial expression first._

 _Brian pretended at being hurt, but on the inside he was really devastated. "Shit! Never mind." He gave up, pulled his hand away and buried his face in Michael's pillow. "Just ignore me. I'll be... fine..." He sniffled and snorted his fake sobbing._

 _The exaggerated sighs were what kept Michael from reading. "You were actually serious, weren't you?"_

 _"I don't kid around about you and me. But... by all means, go on..." Brian dramatically swept his hand about for Michael to continue with his silly comic book reading. "Captain Astro's life is in jeopardy, I'll bet. I'll be here... hanging on your every wish..."_

 _"Oh, Jesus..." Michael chuckled and rolled his eyes. "I thought you were joking. You actually want to go to Prom? With me?"_

 _"No. What I said, Mr. The-New-Captain-Astro-Comic-Is-More-Important-Then-My-Best-Friend... was that we should do something in spite of the Prom."_

 _"Like go out? Where the fuck would we go? We're barely seventeen!"_

 _"I'm sure Vic knows." Brian flipped over on his back, his legs tangled with Michael's._

 _The twin bed wasn't big enough to hold them separately anymore. So, lately, they had to improvise and cuddle._

 _"Uncle Vic? You want to go out with Uncle Vic." Michael made it seem like Vic was some Nasty Old Gay Guy who hit on them constantly._

 _Brian shoved Michael playfully, smiling at the giggle he heard. "No... look... well, listen really..." He was about to speak on his idea for Prom Night, when he saw Michael's eyes going back toward the comic book. "... I've completely lost you, haven't I?"_

 _Michael chuckled, closing the comic book and placing it on the floor nearby. "No... I was just playing. I read this one a few days ago. I just like the cut scenes and dialogue. Pretty cool."_

 _"Fuck you, Mikey." Brian smooshed the pillow over his face._

 _"Hey..." Michael pulled the pillow down. "... no... if anyone is doing the *fuckin'* in this room it's me. So... Fuck. You." He slid to lay on his side, snuggled into Brian. "Where will we go? On Prom Night?"_

 _"I don't know. Maybe it's me you don't want to be with. Maybe you want to go with Jesse."_

 _"Brian, stop acting retarded." Michael wrapped his arm around Brian's upper torso, swinging his leg over Brian's two thighs. His foot dangled over the mattress. "Jesse will never find the nerve to ask me out... ever."_

 _"How do you know? He has Big Plans for his graduation. You might get what you've always wanted." Brian reached up to smooth one hand over Michael's forearm on his chest._

 _"I don't need Jesse Barclay's seal of approval to make me feel like I'm somebody. I'm happy... right where I am." Michael settled his head near Brian's, sharing pillow space._

 _"Really?"_

 _"Yes, Brian." Michael sighed into Brian's ear, holding him closer. "Why don't we stay in that night... order out and watch a marathon of teen angsty movies? Or rent all those Prom Night horror flicks?"_

 _Brian lifted his brow in wonder. "Yeah... that does sound infinitely better then my idea, but... Prom Night is for partying... and I really want to par-tay..."_

 _Michael nodded his head, closing his eyes in sweet misery. He knew Brian couldn't be kept inside for too long before he wanted out. "I know. We'll go out. I promise. And it will be the best night of your life." He rubbed tenderly at Brian's chest. "You staying tonight?"_

 _"Can I?" Brian asked as he turned his face to bury his emotions in Michael's hair. "Pop's been especially ticked off this week. And I'm not sure what he'll be like if I..."_

 _Michael lifted his torso up. "Did you forget to bring your bag?"_

 _"Nah... I got it with me." Brian soothed Michael's worry down his arm._

 _Michael rested back on Brian's chest. "I can always loan you clothes, Brian. That's not what I'm asking."_

 _"Don't you worry. The stash of weed and gay porn is safe with me... always..."_

 _"I know. I trust you."_

 _"Always..."_

 _"You bet."_

 _Five minutes later, from downstairs, they heard, "C'mon boys!! Supper's ready!!"_

 _"Be right down, Deb!" Brian belted out._

 _"On our way, Ma'!" Michael yelled in kind._

 _Neither boy moved one inch out of each others arms, content to remain where they were, simply listening to the sounds of their own breathing._

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
 **Jesse Barclay's party... Saturday night...:**  
*****************************************

 _Brian was pissed. Royally pissed. Some random female classmate of theirs had run over to him, high as a kite and drunk as his own mother usually was... to warn him about Jesse's plans for Michael._

 _Michael had thought that Jesse liked him enough to really want to make a scene at the Prom... and ask him out._

 _Brian didn't dissuade Michael from those thoughts. All of Jesse's actions, so far, had pretty much pointed toward that way. Except, lately Jesse was looking a little worse for wear then usual. As if his private life was dragging him down and he was on a long hard road of rebellion from his rich, society parents._

 _Brian should have known when things would go bad. He hadn't seen Michael in an hour. Of course he'd been having his own personal party, but he never let his eyes wander off of where Michael was... in proportion to where Jesse was. He never saw them leave together and he never once heard Michael say he was going somewhere or back home._

 _Wobbly on his own feet, Brian slipped outside the French patio doors, wandering lost along the pool side. He was looking at all the hetero action taking place on the lounges and in the bushes and on grass... some even naked in the pool. His eyes were only intent on finding Michael's dark head of hair._

 _"No! Let me out of here!"_

 _Brian heard the loud cry from Michael, coming from the tiny pool side shed. He headed straight for the door. "Michael!"_

 _"Brian..." Michael sounded relieved, but frightened. "I'm okay."_

 _Brian hit his shoulder against the door. "Barclay! Fuck! Let me in!"_

 _"Go away, Kinney! This doesn't include you. NONE of your business."_

 _A bit more scuffling could be heard, like someone was trying to fight a way out of someone unwanted arms._

 _"Wrong, asshole! Anyone who knows me... knows Michael is MY fuckin' business! Open this door or I can have the cops here so fuckin' fast..." Brian was about to slam on the door again, when it opened quickly, nearly toppling him over. He reached his hand out for Michael to take. "Mikey... c'mon."_

 _Michael did, but reluctantly. His clothing was surprisingly still intact, but his mind was a little high. His shirt was ripped around the collar, at the neck. He face was blotchy and caked in tears. He hid behind Brian's body, dipping his face into Brian's clothes. "Can we get out of here, Brian? I'm not feeling very well."_

 _"Go!" Jesse raged, which startled both Brian and Michael._

 _Instinctively, Brian protected Michael with his arm across Michael's chest, if Jesse should charge at them._

 _"Go to your homo boyfriend, Mikey!" Jesse snarled, which took away most of his blond beauty. "You were a worthless piece of ass anyway!" The more the older boy talked, the angrier he got. He began to slam things around in the shed. "I don't know why I even bothered to waste my time on you! Who put it in your fuckin' mind that I was ever thinking about asking you out?! You must be fuckin' nuts!" He threw something made of ceramic against a wall, causing it to shatter loudly. "Stupid little faggot!!" He mumbled under his breath as he turned his back on Brian and Michael, but not before he slammed the door in Brian's face, almost catching him on the nose._

 _Brian flew back from the anger, finding it very similar to his father's rage. THIS person he could deal with._

 _"No... Brian... c'mon... let's just go." Michael hung onto Brian's thick biceps, trying to drag him away from any confrontation with Jesse. He wiped at his falling tears with the cuff of his shirt. "Can't you see his anger is really at himself? He's gay, just like you've always told me. He's afraid to come out, like I am."_

 _"But you would never intentionally hurt someone because of your own fears, Michael. That's what makes you different from him. Jesse will end up hurting someone else, in a more tragic way then this..." Brian fingered the torn edges of Michael's t-shirt. "I'll take you shopping tomorrow. A little retail therapy." He moved Michael back a few inches. "Lemme do this for myself, Mikey. I'm not gonna hurt him real bad. Only injure him slightly so he won't forget who he's messing with."_

 _Michael nodded his head. "But shouldn't that be MY job?"_

 _"I take care of you... you take care of me. Sounds fair, don'cha think?" Brian cupped the side of Michael's face. "Go." He pressed a light kiss to Michael's temple. "I'll meet you out front. We'll go home, okay? This party has been suckin' ass for the last hour or so." His thumb wiped a few random tears away._

 _Michael chuckled, tilting his head into Brian's tender touch. "Don't hurt him too bad. He has a game next Friday night."_

 _"Oh... he'll be fine, Michael. He'll be sore for a few days... no broken ribs... only slight bruising..." Brian chuckled at Michael's wide eyes of shock. "I'm kidding... I'm kidding. I wouldn't touch his naked ass if it was gold-plated and spewing wads of cash."_

 _THAT made Michael giggle, trying to cover his sore mouth. He tasted a little blood. He couldn't let Brian see him this way or he'd really kill Jesse. "I'll meet you out front then." Just to tame Brian's wild beast, Michael stood on tip toe and kissed Brian senseless. His bruised mouth felt raw and he groaned in a minimal amount of discomfort. He caressed Brian's cheek with some hurried tenderness and meshed their foreheads together. "My hero..." He was gone before Brian could open his eyes to see the look of love on Michael's face._

 _"Shit, Mikey." Brian shut his eyes in agony. He hated this. Hated people disliking Michael for their own stupid ignorance. And he hated always being the one to set them to a right way of thinking._

 _Once Brian Kinney was done with Jesse Barclay, Jesse would be begging Michael to be his best friend._

 _For some reason, though, Brian knew Michael's hero-worship of Jesse Barclay was over. Jesse would become some regular guy who might look beautiful on the outside, but was downright ugly and mean on the inside.  
_   
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
**Sunday afternoon... Liberty Avenue...:**   
************************************* 

_Walking down Liberty Avenue, hanging off Michael, Brian was amazed at how freely they could touch, kiss and cuddle one another without people staring, laughing or pointing out how weird they looked. Brian was practically all over his best friend and Michael needed it after last night's fiasco._

 _Michael never once asked Brian what he did to Jesse. It was none of his business any longer._

 _As long as Jesse was in school on Monday, Brian was guilty of nothing._

 _They had spent the morning at Buzzy's. Just chilling in the reading room area, joking and teasing about some of the older, more lame, not-so-hot superheroes that tried to make a name for themselves. They began to make up ridiculous superheroes with even sillier superpowers that made no sense. Until they were laughing so hard they almost got kicked out. Buzzy wasn't really going to kick them out, since he was laughing along with them, but everyone's bellies and faces were hurting. Headaches were approaching._

 _They had already killed enough time in the store and Brian still had to buy Michael a new shirt. They found a cool, retro store of hot new designs and up-n-coming fashion trends called, Torsos. Once they stepped beyond the threshold, both of them split up to find the perfect shirt. They promised to meet at the three curved mirrors and have Michael do a free fashion show in front of the reflection._

 _Michael found yet... another t-shirt. Brian rolled his eyes at it at least not having some design in the center of the chest. It was still an unflattering cotton t-shirt._

 _Michael's eyes bugged at what Brian had in his hand. "Leather?"_

 _"Fabrics, Mikey. There are other fabrics besides cotton."_

 _"Yeah, but... leather?" Michael couldn't believe what Brian had chosen for him. The style just wasn't him. "That's like skin on skin, Brian. I'll get hot and unusually sweaty... and uncomfortable."_

 _The image alone, of Michael's bare skin on his skin, was making Brian grow hard. "Hey... it's what all the *bears* wear for the winter."_

 _"News flash..." Michael put up his palms near his face and body. "... I'm not exactly *bear* material."_

 _The flamboyant sales clerk strutted on by. "But, honey, you're still adorable... like a teddy bear... just not all hairy and stuff." He walked over to a random spinning rack, spun the unit about until he found a color he liked. "Here... try this... and then take the leather vest from your boyfriend."_

 _Michael giggled, while grabbing the hanger. "Oh, well... we're not..."_

 _Brian walked closer to Michael. He shaped his front to cup Michael's backside in his groin. "Hush, now, sweetie." He turned his head to lean over his shoulder to talk to the clerk. "Michael's a little shy about getting a new outfit." He shrugged at the pretend woe he felt at trying to cope with Michael as his partner. "I think he looks sexy in anything (_ _or nothing)" This got Brian a swat on his ass. "... and he... well, he's more comfortable in jeans and old t-shirts."_

 _"Brian, quit it." Michael muttered out of the side of his mouth to keep Brian in line._

 _Brian placed his chin on Michael's shoulder, staring at their reflections in the mirror. "Don't ruin this for us. This clerk's been checking out your ass since we walked in. We might end up getting a discount, possibly find some tidbits on where to go for Prom Night."_

 _The clerk's ears pricked up to listen. "Did I just hear... `Prom Night'?" Eyes widened in shock. "Is your school actually condoning you two going together?"_

 _"No, we..." Michael tried to speak first, but Brian beat him with the better explanation._

 _"Can we look at some tuxes for him? I've already got my own... so I was just... oh, shit... well... it was gonna be a surprise, but why not splurge while we're here." Brian pressed a sweet, chaste kiss to Michael's cheek and then proceeded to walk the clerk a few feet away for a private discussion._

 _Michael walked over to the mirrors again, holding up the tight Lycra shirt with the leather vest. He grew bold and peeled off the t-shirt he'd worn today. The Lycra felt tight and sheer, breathable. The navy blue color made his skin look paler and brought out the darkness of every piece of hair on his body. He almost forgot the leather vest, because the shirt felt nice without the added layer of leather. Except the leather did look soft and inviting. He put it on, messing with his hair for a few seconds to fluff it up and about his head._

 _"Well, how do I... look...?" The minute Michael turned around he found the clerk using a pile of tissues to wipe at his eyes, blowing his clogged nose._

 _Brian had wrapped a consoling arm about the frail shoulders. Once he glanced up at Michael, his jaw nearly dropped on the floor. "Ho-Lee... shit..." He swallowed with some difficulty._

 _Michael immediately sprung into action, coming to the clerk's side. "What the fuck did you say to him? Did you use that "My boyfriend has terminal cancer" story again?"_

 _"No... but shit... Mikey... you look so fuckin' hot..." Brian couldn't take his eyes off Michael._

 _In the midst of the clerk's blubbering, he said, "He's right. And I've got the perfect tux for you gentlemen. Pardon me, I need a powder and regroup." The clerk beat a hasty retreat to wash his face and retrieve a secret stash of tuxes._

 _Michael stood, thumbs hooked behind him, off his back pockets. "What?" He felt Brian gazing at him with the come-hither stare usually meant for other men... not him. "Will you stop staring at me!'_

 _"Why?"_

 _"You make me nervous."_

 _"Well... you make me horny."_

 _"No... I don't." Michael rushed back over to the mirror to change his clothes as fast as he could._

 _"Yes, I'm afraid, Mikey... you do." Brian wanted to help, touch Michael's bare skin, but he kept getting slapped away. "Stop it! I'm just being honest."_

 _"Well, sorry. I don't need your fuckin' honesty right now! I need my best friend!!" Michael covered his face with his hands, ashamed of his outburst. "No... wait... that's not how I meant it." He was still feeling the after effects of Jesse's rejection. Yet another broken heart._

 _Brian stood still, hands on his hips, his head bowed, unsure of what to do in the next minute. "Then..." His voice got softer then Michael had ever heard it before. "... how did you mean it?"_

 _"Like this..." Michael simply stepped up to Brian and hugged him, as tight as he could. "I need you. Just you. No body else will do."_

 _The way Michael was holding him, Brian melted, folding into the embrace. "I'm sorry."_

 _"There's nothing to be sorry for, Brian. I'm a social basket case. Look at me... I'm a fuckin' joke."_

 _"No... you're not. I defy anyone to tell me you're worthless in my eyes." Brian couldn't take his eyes off Michael's lips. His thumb scraped the bottom plumpness. "To me... you're the best human being I know... besides Mother Teresa... or Nelson Mandela..."_

 _"So where the fuck is MY Nobel Peace Prize?"_

 _Brian proceeded to grind his pelvis into Michael's. "I got your *prize* right here, Mikey."_

 _"Ewwww... you're so gross, Brian." Michael was able to push Brian away before he felt the real hardness growing under the thick jeans._

 _"Now, now..." The sales clerk was back, clapping his hands for attention. "I need your man for a minute. I'll dress him and have him back to you in under five minutes." The clerk grabbed for Michael's hand without even asking permission._

 _Michael gazed back in utter dismay, like a drowning man. He mouthed the words, "HELP ME!" as he was taken into the inner sanctum of the store._

 _Brian chuckled and grew solemn the second Michael disappeared. Oh shit! He had almost blown his cover. Knowing his true feelings would have sent Michael running out of this store._

 _~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~_

 _Brian lost all track of time. He'd been sitting in a lone chair, flipping through some rag magazine about celebrity gossip, when the clerk returned alone._

 _"Brian... I need you to close your eyes." The wide grin was undeniable on the clerk's face._

 _Something must be very right about Michael in the tux._

 _"Okay." Brian got up, put the magazine on the chair and then walked over to the mirror. He closed his eyes once he stopped walking. He crossed his arms over his chest, cupping his boney elbows._

 _The clerk walked Michael back out, shoving him toward the three way mirror to look at his own reflection. He hung his face near Michael's ear. "That boy is clearly smitten. You're gonna knock him flat on his ass, Michael."_

 _"How do you know?" Michael wasn't so convinced. He knew Brian might love him, but being IN LOVE was a different story. Michael could very well easily fall in love with Brian... but Brian falling in love with him was... simply crazy._

 _"The way he looks at you... touches you. His eyes literally light up and he genuinely smiles. What a smile! That's rare, honey. Rare for any man to act that way around another man. Unless he's in love." The clerk gave another shove, which landed on Michael's ass, becoming more of a soft spank. "Okay... now... open..."_

 _Michael's back was facing Brian, but Brian could clearly see Michael's reflection._

 _Michael fidgeted, pulling on the cuffs and tugging on the awkward crotch. He'd never worn a cummerbund before. He liked the freedom from wearing the usual tux tie. "It's sort of like those cravat thingies... like in the 1800s... but it's not, ya' know?"_

 _"Yeah, I know, Michael. Turn around."_

 _The tender command made Michael quickly move._

 _Brian stepped closer, his eyes moving fast over Michael's new look in the tux._

 _"Well, Brian... what do you think? Isn't he sexy? It's my own design." The clerk stared proudly at his creation. His heart nearly fluttering at the way Brian was reacting._

 _Silence spoke so loudly, but it was the intense way Brian was gazing that clinched the deal._

 _"We'll take it." Brian gruffly remarked, turning away. He was unable to withstand looking at Michael and not being able to appreciate him how he really wanted._

 _The clerk applauded Brian's choice._

 _"But Brian, that's not why we..." Michael interrupted his own dialogue, while catching sight of Brian walking away so rudely._

 _"And the shirt with the vest, too." Brian pointed to both items for the clerk to bring with him._

 _"Brian... c'mon... that's too much money. That's my entire paycheck." Michael tried to step near Brian, but was dodged efficiently._

 _"And the t-shirt Michael picked out, as well." Brian reached for his wallet. He wandered away from Michael, moving toward the cashier counter. "Go change, Michael." He looked at his watch. "It's almost time for lunch."_

 _Michael did as told, with his face embarrassed for being bullied. What the fuck would he do with an original design of a formal tuxedo? He felt rejected in the oddest way, because Brian hadn't said one word. That odd staring was unsettling, and then when Brian couldn't look anymore... Michael felt hurt._

 _As all the purchases were being rung up, Michael came back from the hidden changing rooms. He was back in his own clothes when he sidled up to Brian. "How much was the damage?" He put a fierce grip on Brian's biceps._

 _"Five dollars." Brian muttered out as he took the sales receipt, that Michael tried to snatch first. He did hand over the bags of clothes. "Thanks."_

 _"Come again, boys." The clerk gave a secret wave, deeply sighing at what a *cute couple* Brian and Michael made. He could only image what a powerhouse of feelings they'd be like in the bedroom. Five parts sensual foreplay, three parts delicate consideration and two parts a certain *fire* that burned hotter then any real flame ever could._

 _Michael waved sweetly on their way out. "Bye."_

 _The sales clerk blew him a kiss._

 _Michael blushed and then proceeded to bump into Brian's backside. "Oops... sorry..." He put out a hand to steady them both._

 _Donning his expensive shades, Brian looked about the street, the sidewalks. He grabbed for Michael's hand and swung Michael around to plaster him to a neighboring brick wall. "No... I'm sorry." He pressed his face close, his mouth mere inches from Michael's open one. "I should've said something inside that store... after seeing you all dressed up. Like it was simply for my benefit. You took my breath away. I've never seen someone look more beautiful." He nodded his head succinctly. "There! That's what I wanted to say. I didn't want the audience's approval." He bent low to kiss Michael, sweetly... tenderly. He broke them apart to watch Michael slowly reopen his eyes. "I suppose now you'll want to go somewhere with that new tux."_

 _Cupping Brian's shoulder joints, Michael raised startled eyes to Brian. "Wha-... what do you mean?"_

 _"Going out with me. On Prom Night."_

 _"You telling me or asking me?"_

 _"Either way we'll be together. So I don't know why you're not saying *yes*."_

 _"You're not really asking me to Prom are you?"_

 _"No. Not Prom. Never. I wouldn't step foot in the gym, even for you."_

 _"Whew." Michael pretended to wipe sweat off his brow. "I thought I'd lost you... somewhere... back there." He tried to tease and tickle Brian, but Brian nearly pressed him into the brick he was leaning on._

 _"You won't ever lose me." Brian's forehead landed softly on Michael's. His eyes closed in complete bliss. The very thought of not having Michael... was torture for him._

 _"Promise?" Michael eyeballed Brian nodding his head once. "And you can't ever lose me... it's not possible. I won't let you go."_

 _And Michael didn't, he held on tight._

 _"And neither will I." Brian surrounded both his arms around Michael's thin frame, lifting Michael up off his feet. He hugged him closer then he should have for simply being best friends._

~*~*~ **END FLASHBACK within a FLASHBACK** ~*~*~*~*~

 

~~TBC... 


	3. Chapter 3

**Back To Brian & Jenny... *fairy* tale over...: **   
********************************************* 

**Brian woke himself up, startled that he had dozed off while telling his *fairy* tale to Jenny. Holding her close was like keeping a part of Michael nearby. He didn't know exactly how he would react with seeing Michael in the flesh.**

 **Jenny fidgeted about to find a comfy spot to sleep on Brian's shoulder, flipping her head away to rest her cheek on the sloped bone.**

 **"Whoa! I almost forgot the ending to that story. My mind went away from me." Brian reached up a hand to apply pressure to the back of Jenny's head to keep her safe as he rose up from the rocker. He carried her, the blue bunny and the fleece blanket to the crib. He settled her down on her back. She fussed at losing Brian's security and warmth. He decided to hang out above her to wait until she fell back asleep. He gently rubbed at her belly.**

 **"Your father looked amazing in that stupid tux. I wonder if Deb still has it locked in some closet somewhere? Michael waited for me to tell him what we were going to do that night. Prom Night came without much fanfare. Our classmates went fuckin' bonkers... decorating the gym and making a big deal out of nothing special. I surprised him. I started my plans early. I did everything before the real Prom Night. I didn't feel like sharing that kind of moment with anyone but Michael." He smiled a dazzling smile of remembering that very night and Michael's complete adoration of him.**

 **Brian wanted that back... that night... those feelings flowing between them. The simple *woo-ing* of his best friend to make him feel special on a night built around the hetero world.**

 **Jenny smiled and sighed, gazing up with half-hooded chocolate eyes toward Brian.**

 **"I took him out to dinner. Best... most expensive restaurant in Pittsburgh. We painted that town red that night. We were the goofiest fuckin' seventeen year olds anybody had ever seen. He never left my side." Brian shook his head at the intense feeling washing over him from simple memory. "And I never wanted to let him go or the night to end." He reached up to brush back the raven locks. "On the actual Prom Night... Vic got us into Babylon. We were fuckin' stoked. Two happy gay boys in their element. I never knew about the backroom... never knew about the drugs. It was only about me and Michael... and dancing closer then we ever been able to before." He chuckled at the absurdity of such a perfect night in his youth.**

 **And how quickly those moments could be taken away. Stolen from him, right under his nose.**

 **Brian almost flushed at the image in his mind of that time. "People don't know this about me." He cleared his throat. "How afraid I really am about losing people. I can let them go, but I can also hold on tight as anybody else. I've tried many times with Michael. I scare myself about how willing I am to give up what I say I've always wanted." He tilted his head to stare down at Jenny as she looked up at him, with half-open, sleepy eyes.**

 **"I talk one mean talk about this kind of life I lead, but it's never been truly what I want. I wanted what your father and Ben have." Brian shrugged his own confusion. "I know how weird that sounds. It seems like a long time ago, though. And I wanted it with your father." He fixed Jenny's sleeper, pulling up the fleece blanket.**

 **"Do you know..." Brian let his index finger trail about Jenny's round face and chubby cheeks. "... you're exactly how I imagined you to look? I always thought a child of Michael's would embody the very essence of him. Everything that I adore... that I love." He put up his palms in a small defensive move. "Sorry. You're near to perfection."**

 **Jenny cracked a smile as she drifted off to slumber.**

 **Brian thought what a wonderful way to leave this room. Jenny doing something that reminded him of Michael. "Your father does the same thing, too. Must have something to do with the tone of my voice. I don't know." He sighed heavily, leaning into the crib side he'd drawn up a moment ago. "I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Where I'm coming from or where I plan on going. What I do know is... I can't leave. I can't leave Pittsburgh. As much as I piss and moan about this place, it is my fuckin' home. Michael's here. Anywhere he is... that's my home. I've always thought that way." His hands gripped onto the rim of the crib.**

 **"I don't know where else to go to be who I want to be. Then again, who the hell do I want to be any longer?" Brian felt the moisture gather, knew the tears would fall shortly, but, thankfully... Jenny was slowly losing consciousness. "I thought I could do it, ya know. I thought I could be the kind of person Michael thinks I am. I'm just not into the type of relationship he has with Ben. I'm not so sure marriage is in the cards for me." He thought for a second about what he was saying.**

 **"Again... this is just me talking. My head in thinking mode." Brian tried to cover his ass in case anyone else was listening besides Jenny. "This may all change by tomorrow, when I see Michael. I know he wants me to be happy, but without him by my side, I don't know exactly how to do that. People keep telling me, pounding it into my head of who I love and who I belong with. Yet they won't take twenty fuckin' seconds to ASK ME and actually pay attention and listen."**

 **Jenny let out a soft snore, her tiny hand moving to cover Brian's on her belly.**

 **Now, Brian was talking simply to get things off his chest and hear them out loud, outside his head.**

 **Brian bent low over Jenny's crib railing. "I love your father. I have for many years. Am I in love with him? I'll never know. I don't really know what that means. IN LOVE? I know what I feel like when I'm with him. And how different I feel when I'm not. Do I think about him when I'm not with him? Yeah. Do I want to spend every waking minute with him? Yeah. Do I think his wedded bliss to Ben is a sham? Of course. I've always thought of Michael for myself. I never expected him to find someone else to love like he does me." He had to glance away.**

 **Brian stared at the wall facing him. "But that's the difference between him and I. Michael has a big enough heart to encapsulate many people. Where mine... can only hold one. And that one resonates until I die." He closed his eyes in self-imposed agony, literally feeling his heart breaking.**

 **"I know it."**

 **The first tear dropped on Jenny's mattress, losing its consistency in the material of the sheets.**

 **"Do I think I'm capable of loving other people? Yeah, but it feels strange... different. Like I'm out of my skin."**

 **Brian reopened his eyes to gaze down at Jenny asleep. "Loving Michael is like finding the perfect skin. I don't have to change to be loved... or wanted or cared for. He's always there...."**

 **Brian choked and covered his mouth, his eyes closing again in sorrow. "Except... nearly losing him, I found I nearly lost myself. I freaked. I couldn't help him, like I always have. And Ben was there in my place by his side. Michael didn't need me anymore and I felt like I needed to be needed. Or that I needed to be wanted. So I bolted right into Justin's arms and I... fed him everything I should have been telling Michael all this time." He rubbed at his tired face.**

 **Brian tried to laugh off his lunacy. "Shit... I even bought rings I'd been eyeing for years. Ones I had one day planned on giving Michael. I attempted to let go of Michael, planned on showing the rings to Justin, along with my proposal..." He opened his mouth to speak, but found himself unable to say anything.**

 **Brian knew what he had to say. "But... I can't do it."**

 **Another series of tears fell, but this time Brian wiped them away.**

 **"I'm an ass. I had Michael for twenty fuckin' years and I let him walk away. But who was I to deny him a happiness he had found elsewhere? I know I'm no good... but I guess I'll never know how good I can be."**

 **Jenny fretted about, feeling Brian draw away. She gripped Brian's hand tight, her tiny fingers clutching.**

 **"If I did marry anybody... it'd have to be Michael. Else it wouldn't feel right. Like I was trying to be someone I'm not, playing a damn *part* in some crappy, melodramatic TV-movie of the week. I just... I've come too far with Justin not to cause him a shitload of hurt and heartbreak. I'm notorious for it, but it's not something I enjoy or thrive on."**

 **Brian sighed, looked down at Jenny, peaceful in her sleep. "I know... I know... I gotta end this... sooner or later, before it ends up falling to shit in my face." He let out a sad smile. "We should do this more often, but like I said... we'll do it with your father... later... so he can join in and add his extra bits into the story." He caressed Jenny's head.**

 **"G'night, Jen."**

 **Brian turned around to retrieve his leather jacket from the floor, but found it had disappeared... along with the tiny stool. Someone had come into Jenny's bedroom and cleaned up, while watching him and Jenny sleep. Had to have been Lindsay, because the emotional state Melanie was in she would have torn Brian right out of the rocker, demanding that he put Jenny back and to get out of her fuckin' house.**

 **Whomever had snuck in placed his leather jacket on the crib's railing... and when he carried Jenny over, the material had completely slipped into the crib with Jenny. She was contentedly laying on Brian's soft leather jacket. No wonder she had fallen asleep so easily. Here he thought it had been his voice that soothed her to slumber.**

 **Well, this did give Brian a legitimate reason to come back and visit Jenny. `Sides it was a balmy night outside anyway and he had plenty more jackets where that one came from.**

 **One last look toward Jenny in her crib and Brian was gone.**

~*~*~ **END OF Where Brian Went That Night** **~*~*~*~*~***

 **Justin's POV :**   
************** 

Now... I've come to when I found him. I should have known something was wrong, the signs had been there for days. I was simply returning from doing some early morning grocery shopping.

Brian had come back to the loft, a few hours ago. He didn't enter the bedroom, at all. He stumbled about, grumbled, then chuckled at his own fallacies. I thought I heard hiccuping and sniffling... wasn't sure. He undressed, somewhat and plopped onto that stupid fucking sofa to sleep.

I'm certain in some way he didn't want to wake me, but his efforts were futile.

My body had been on high alert once he disappeared, storming out of the loft. I didn't care who he had been with... only where he had been. As long as he came back, I was fine. What shocked me was whatever he had done hadn't helped. He seemed even more upset, confused and conflicted. The pain he was suffering and bearing through seemed to have intensified.

I knew it had everything to do with Michael. The emotions being felt were what worried me. I wasn't clear on them. Hell, if I asked... I knew Brian would never tell me outright. He couldn't even tell Michael how much he cared... what did that leave for me?

So... I let my curiosity go, for a few more hours and fell back to sleep, waking up later to step out and find some clarity.

I was getting off the elevator. My free hand pulled down the wooden gate, I had two grocery bags in my other hand. I went to fish out the loft keys from my pocket. The minute I slid open the heavy metal door, I knew I only had mere seconds to punch in the security code.

Upon closing the door behind me, I could hear the faint trickle of water flowing through the pipes above my head.

Brian was finally awake and in the shower.

I promised myself I'd give him ten minutes before I checked on him.

When Brian's ten minutes were up, I had no idea what I'd walk in on. I figured it would be Brian... completely naked and showering... or the bathroom all foggy and Brian standing at the sink, shaving or rubbing moisturizers on his skin, towel wrapped about his waist... and I could walk up behind him and secure my own arms around his thin, lanky frame...

... but when I entered the bathroom... I couldn't even see much in front of me. The room was full of hot steam. Blazing hot steam. The water still running full blast...

And Brian?

Well, Brian was in the shower... but God only knows how long he had been standing there... staring into nothing... and looking like someone had kicked him while he was down.

I'd seen him look this way before, but this time... he looked paler then usual... dazed, almost confused. As if he were somewhere other then inside the shower stall.

I quietly stepped up to the glass.

Brian raised his head to look at me.

We appeared to be glaring eye to eye.

I felt silly knocking, but... Brian couldn't even SEE me. He saw right through me.

His bare skin was raw and red, as if someone had clawed their way down every inch. Splotches of redness littered his body, like Brian had scrubbed his naked flesh with steel wool.

I took the initiative to open the shower door.

Brian flinched and skittered backward to the tiled wall, cowering away in fear.

"Blood..." Brian groaned, closing his eyes and leaning his head on the wall behind him, which was the only thing holding him up.

I turned the water off which allowed for me to finally comprehend what he was saying. "Fuck... Brian... what the hell... what are you...?" I had no idea what to do or say. To say I was shocked by the look of Brian, how he was acting... was lost on words.

Brian looked like he was in some trance, like he was still locked in his nightmare. "Blood... so much... blood... bodies... everywhere... death... I couldn't... I can't..." As he spoke incoherently, his body slid down the wall, causing him to crumble to the tiled floor of the shower stall.

Brian held his forearms out for me to see. All I could see was serious redness... like a rash... no blood anywhere...

The intense hot water and the force of the spray of the shower head as it pelted Brian's body was the cause of the slight trauma. What looked like scratches was where Brian had used the scrub brush to clean his skin a little too aggressively.

I stepped over to him, bent down and shook the frail, hunched shoulders, slapping his face once or twice to wake up.

All he did was put his arms up over his head in defense, thinking I was going to beat the shit out of him. Probably like his father used to do... when he was vulnerable and defenseless like this very moment.

"Brian? What did you take?" I grabbed for his jaw to make him look directly at me, but he yanked his head away, drawing backwards on the floor.

Brian seemed to be sobering pretty quickly. "Shit... nuthin'..." He used the flat of his palms to wipe at his eyes. "I'm a fuckin' fall down mess..." He sighed, curling into himself. He tucked his knees to his chest.

I grabbed his kneecaps and held on tight, trying to get him to look at me. He simply kept his head bowed, as if ashamed of appearing weak and pathetic. Just liked he called Michael a thousand times before. "You're not a mess, Brian. You're human... and if I was any kind of friend to you I'd tell you that right now you're hurting and befuddled. You almost lost the one thing you know you would always have." I let this soak in his brain for a minute or two. "But this time... the loss was out of your control, wasn't it? You never thought God would be so cruel as to take the life of someone you love so dearly."

Brian frowned at the mention of God. "Who said HE had anything to do with this?"

"Please... don't deny what's right in front of my eyes." I knew he'd try to deflect the importance of what I was saying.

"I'm fine. I just... got lost in my head for a second. I woke up from a bad dream. I thought it was over... just not... never mind..." Brian brushed away my hands. "I don't need a babysitter."

"No... you're right. What you DO need is...." I stood up, hands on hips.

"Don't!" Brian stood up too, barely able to stand, slapping away my hands as I tried to help him keep steady on his feet. "Don't even... say it..."

"Fine! Don't be so fuckin' stubborn, I'm here to help." I stepped back, cautiously, making certain he wasn't going to keel over and faint. He'd done quite a number on himself with scrubbing away what he thought was blood all over his skin. "Are you going to see him today?" If Brian had no plans, then I was going to suggest it. Even for him to call in sick at work.

"Even if I was, it's none of your fuckin' business."

Okay... typical, but suddenly it just pissed me off more. How dare he... do this to himself... and not...

"It IS my business if I find you in here again... plastered to the wall like a scared infant and looking like you're about ready to pass out."

I discovered something in that very second. I had never truly been witness to the breaking of Brian Kinney. I had never been there for him... when he felt like he had nothing to look forward to... nothing in his future but loss and utter sorrow... completely undone and shattering into pieces.

Brian would never allow me to see this... this moment was a fluke.

Michael had seen plenty and could probably do one serious bang-up job of making Brian wake the fuck up to reality and... do something.

"You need closure, Brian. You need to talk to Michael about whatever is on your mind."

Crossing his arms over his chest, Brian stood his ground. "What if..." He was about ready to put up a fight, but he couldn't. It wasn't in him. "... what's on my mind is not what he needs to hear? Me... thinking about what I really want. Knowing it'll never be good enough... for him..." That seemed difficult for Brian to say... even  
standing there... naked and ashamed of being found out for loving someone more then his own life. "... anymore..." He could barely speak clearly, his emotions choking his throat.

"It's only Michael, Brian..." I only meant that Michael would take Brian back into his life however he could get him.

Brian had to be the one willing to sacrifice now. Michael had spent long enough waiting in anticipation for something more and never getting much in return except empty promises and a heap of sexual frustrations.

"That's exactly... my problem..." Brian simply walked out of the shower, right on by me... naked as the day he was born.

I could only stand there stunned and silent, unable to understand what kept Brian from taking what he knew he wanted... what he knew he needed. I was determined to find out something, but not sure how to go about even beginning to collect the information.

What I knew, beyond a shadow of doubt, was Brian was no longer mine to have. He hadn't been mine for years. Probably since the beginning. What little I did get of him was empty and shallow, a figment of a relationship that I thought I needed to have to survive. But I understood clearly... I can't cope with Brian... not when he's like this.

I knew who could, though, and I was determined to do everything in my power to make sure that happened sooner then Brian even thought.

For the rest of the morning, while Brian got ready for work, we acted like neither was standing in the room. He never said goodbye and I never acknowledged that I knew this would be the last time we would ever be together... in this loft.

I would pack up what little I still had here since coming back from LA and I would head out on my own. Finding a place to crash for a few weeks before I found my own apartment, getting on with my single life... alone.

Once Brian was gone, I went straight for the cordless phone. I pressed the one button Brian had set up on speed dial for Michael and I waited...

... because it was about time one of them finally woke up and did something concrete about what and who they were to each other... without innuendos and mixed signals.

"Hey... it's me..." Lately, I found myself slipping back into identifying myself with Michael. Seeing him as an equal rather then an enemy. An older, wiser brother who shared his life with me as easily as my own real family couldn't or wouldn't. "Do you have a few minutes to talk with me?" My tone got softer as I spoke... droning on and on about what Michael had missed while he was... away.

Simply trying to live... fighting for his right to be here... possibly, if only... for another day with Brian.

I owed him that much. To make sure he had another shot at having what he wanted... or at least seeing if he still wanted to take that shot.

It was the least I could do after what Michael had given up for me.

Man, does it suck to grow up... or what?

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
 **Present Time... Brian and Michael...:**  
************************************

Brian got the call on his cell phone thirty minutes into his scheduled staff meeting. He wasn't the one speaking, nor was he paying attention to the hard working employee who was.

The phone vibrated in his pocket. Since Babylon was mostly a crime scene investigator's wet dream these days, he expected to get weird calls on his phones any time from anybody on the case.

Cynthia was scribbling down the notes to the meeting, so Brian felt comfortable stepping away to take the call. He gave her a silent signal that he'd be right back, which she acknowledged. He headed directly for the hallway leading to his office washroom.

"Hello?"

"Get over here... now!" The voice sounded slightly perturbed more then angry.

Brian blanched, furrowing his brow in confusion. "Michael? Wha-? Are you okay?"

"I'm peachy."

"What's wrong? Do you need a doctor? An ambulance sent over?" Brian moved to shut himself inside the washroom.

"No. I know what I DO need."

"Oh... yeah... what?" Brian couldn't help but feel a tiny smile creep out on his lips.

"You... here... fifteen minutes or less."

"Or you'll what?" Brian didn't know whether to laugh or cry.

"Get your ass over here. Pronto."

"What did I do?"

"Long story. Plenty."

"Okay... what did I NOT do?"

"Why don't you show up and find out! I'll leave the front door unlocked."

"Michael..."

"Do I sound like I'm kidding?"

"No... but right now you're beginning to annoy me." Brian wanted a hint of what had happened since last night. "Is Jenny alright?"

"Why? How was Jenny when you left the house?"

"Fine... I guess..."

"Then Jenny's NOT the issue, is she?"

"You sure? You sound pissed about something."

"The issue is what it has always been, Brian."

"Oh... yeah... what?"

"You and me. Us. Or have I been the only one paying attention this entire time?"

Brian shut his eyes, leaning back on the sink ledge. He pinched the bridge of his nose. "No... you haven't. I'll try to be there as soon as I can."

"I'll be waiting... like always..."

When Michael rang off, Brian stared at his LCD screen. "Asshole." He grumbled out. He sat there and pondered what the hell could be up Michael's butt. And if he actually even dared to show his face, not knowing what he was up against.

A feisty, pissed-off Michael was a force unknown.

As Michael hung up, he stared at the cordless extension in his hand. "Prick." He mumbled out, shaking his head. He wiped at the tear that slipped out. He didn't know what to feel after Justin's call two hours ago. All he knew was that Brian needed one serious ass kickin'... and he was happy to do it.

A vulnerable, willing-to-do-anything-for-his-best-friend Brian was something that Michael had missed seeing. He wanted that back, bad enough to suck up his fear and brave an anger he'd known many times before.

****************************************

The house was dark, yet tranquil, when Brian arrived. He felt like frustrating Michael more by ringing the doorbell, but thought better of it. He didn't know where Michael was hiding himself. The little shit could attack him at any minute, with anything being thrown at him.

So Brian opened the door, peeking his head in cautiously.

"Hello?"

Nothing. No sound. The only thing making any noise was the breezes blowing through the open windows on the first floor. The faint sounds of Mother Nature moving on and passing borrowed time.

Brian looked back to his Stingray in the driveway, wondering if he should move it. In case the hours wandered away from him and Ben would come home sooner then Michael thought.

"Don't worry... Ben won't be back until tomorrow morning."

The house was unlit. The sunlight cascading through every open window was the only thing igniting the shadowed areas. Problem was this made the shadows even darker, which was where Michael was standing.

Brian shut the door behind him, standing in the small foyer. "I'd ask you where he went, but I really don't care right now." He felt his heart racing, the veins in his neck pumping blood in every direction. He tried recalling taking a better look at the inside of Michael's house at the housewarming party not too long ago.

There was something that screamed Debbie's touch, but in reality the home was more Michael's doing then anything when it came to decorating. Like his old bedroom expanded into an entire home life.

Comfortable without being drab or messy. Warm and inviting, like the man who lived here.

This was the first time Brian had felt more welcome in a unfamiliar dwelling then years past. The loft was his, a place of status and to sleep, keep his *things* in one place. Lindsay's home with Melanie was quaint, not truly special and the exact area where he could find Gus. The Novotny residence had been an *almost* home his entire life. The only other time he remembered feeling this way was in Michael's apartment.

Brian never thought he could find another place that could make him feel the same way. Even though Ben and Hunter lived here, the house screamed it belonged to Michael and that's what made it perfect.

"I like what you've done with the place, Mikey." Brian spun around the room as he walked, trying to find a spot in the living room where he could have a clear view of Michael. It wasn't working to his advantage.

"Don't patronize me." About the only thing visible in the darkness was the cordless phone hanging in Michael's hand. "Please... have a seat on the couch." He stood behind the plush recliner in the corner of the living room, near the huge window overlooking the front yard. He had been peeking through the sheer curtains, keeping a close eye on Brian's progress onto the porch

Brian wasn't sure what Michael would do to him, or say, if he was in one place for too long. "Nah... if you don't' mind... I think I'll..." He was going to use his sarcastic bite to put up his defense, until he knew what he was here for.

Something told Brian their lunch date was out of the question.

"I'm not asking you, Brian. I'm telling you to have fuckin' seat on my fuckin' couch."

Brian was caught speechless. He released a tortured breath and moved to sit on the brown suede couch, which faced wherever Michael was. He didn't really know right now. He couldn't bear to look up at Michael without being able to see his face or features clearly. He felt those chocolate eyes boring into him, though. He kept his head bowed like a child who knew he had been bad.

Hearing the faint creak of floorboards, Brian knew Michael was slowly coming out from behind the chair he had waited near, for him to show.

Michael set the cordless in the chair's cushions, stepping up to the coffee table. "You wanna tell me what's the hell is going on?" He crossed his arms low on his belly, as if it ached.

"No. Not really." Brian was finally able to see Michael as he came toward him. He eyed Michael grabbing for a throw pillow. Brian made a move to give Michael some space on the cushions, but momentarily paused in shock when Michael actually chose to sit ON the coffee table. He seemed to want to stare Brian down at will. "Why? What do you think's going on?"

That... was when Michael lay the first smack of the pillow upside Brian's head.

Brian was stunned beyond all comprehension. The air from the swing of the pillow caused his hair to muss. "What... the fuck...!?!"

Michael gestured to Brian's side. "Don't be such a fuckin' baby. Pick one up. Take a swing at me if you think I'm being stupid or shitty to you."

"Michael... I'm not..." Brian was side-swiped again by another smack. "Quit it!"

"Stop lying to me!"

"When did I...?!"

"Every time you open your mouth." Michael leaned forward, close to Brian's face. "What's going on with Justin?"

Brian was about to bite back, when he realized something. "None of your fuckin' business." Then he secretly picked up his own pillow, finding out how soft and plush it was. It would barely make a dent in harming Michael in any way.

"Wrong. YOU made it my business."

"How?" Brian made a face of disagreement.

"By NOT finishing with ME... first." Michael didn't expect Brian to hit him so directly in the face with his own pillow. He kind of chuckled, feeling the whiff of air in the smack's wake. "Good one." He teased as if it was a sucker punch,straightening his jaw line.

"That WAS a pretty silly statement. Rude even." Brian shrugged, showing how ridiculous he thought this pillow fighting was.

Michael squinted his eyes. "Truth hurts."

"No." Brian let go of his pillow, making an action to get up.

Michael pushed him back down. "Sit... down."

"I'm not gonna sit here and be your punching bag."

Michael snickered, shaking his head. "Really? Well poor, defenseless you. I think I'm being pretty tame compared to what I've taken from you all this time."

"Who asked you to take anything from me?" Brian put up his hands in defense of himself.

"Nobody, but my own stupidity."

"Then... excuse me..." Brian quickly gave Michael the other pillow he had used. "I'll let you smack yourself upside the head." He moved forward to sit on the edge of the couch cushions, bumping against Michael's knees. "If you're done running me through the wringer, I have a company to run... and a fledgling club to rebuild."

They were nearly staring eye to eye.

Brian could see every little feature of Michael's maturing face... beyond the constant childlike qualities. The near death accident had stolen his youth, made him grow up all too soon. The tiny leftover scars prominent this close. There was a darkness to Michael's eyes now that had never been before. A hidden place of such solitude and anguish. Where bitterness lay nearby, waiting to pop it's ugly head out at any time.

For so long, Brian had been keeping it a secret. Now, Michael knew what true depression could be like.

There was no easy answer. Even when you were lost and never to be found again.

"Really? Tell me about what happened there? That enjoyable *toy land* club of yours. I'm not so sure I understand what you're talking about." Michael only meant to joke and tease, but noticed the sudden shock settling on Brian's face. How he might have hit too hard, but with his words this time. The shock slipping into sadness. "I'm sorry."

"No, you're not. You never would have said it, if you didn't mean it."

"Take the apology."

"Why?" Brian shrugged one shoulder. "It's how you feel."

"How do YOU feel?"

"About?"

"Whatever's on your mind." Michael really didn't care what started their conversation. All he knew was Brian wouldn't leave this house until things were clear and people had some idea of where they still belonged.

"Nothing." Brian tried to glare Michael down.

"Bullshit." Michael let one side of his mouth smile. "You're a good liar. You always have been." He threw the pillows on the couch, next to the other ones.

"Michael... look... you really don't want to know what's going on in my head."

Michael stood, his hands on Brian's shoulders. He began gently pushing him to sit back in the couch. "Why don't you leave that up for ME to decide." He began to lift up one leg to climb on the couch, prepared to sit on Brian's lap. He was determined to find one way or another to keep Brian locked to the back cushions. It was a slow process only because of Michael's injuries. He was trying to be safe and not hurt himself.

"Michael, stop..." Brian's hands immediately went to cup Michael's backside, along the backs of his thighs. He mostly helped Michael situate his body in the position he wanted to be in. "You're gonna hurt yourself. What about your stitches?" He was getting slightly nervous about Michael wanting to be so close to him, literally, on top of him.

"My stitches are fine, but you... my friend... aren't." Michael set his hands on either side of Brian's head on the couch. "I'm gonna sit on you until you tell me what's bothering you."

Brian leaned his head on the cushions, looking up at Michael's face. He raised one eyebrow in curiosity. "More childish antics? How fun. Who helped you figure out this plan to bring me here and make me spill my guts? Gus?"

"No." Michael chuckled, bringing one hand over to cup Brian's cheek. He felt the scrape of Brian's stubble. "Actually... you can thank Justin. The tactics of getting you to squeal are my own idea."

Brian smiled, but it wasn't a happy one. "Great. I shall thank him later."

Michael was shaking his head. "I think you're gonna have a hard time doing that."

"Why?"

Michael's face went blank, all emotion disappeared. He wasn't sure if Brian had been aware of what had happened this morning, as he was leaving for work. "Didn't you two talk about something this morning?" He brought his hands down to rest on Brian's chest, fiddling with the tie. He tugged and played with the knot at Brian's throat. He set his eyes downcast, hoping that this wasn't news to Brian.

Why had Justin made it seem like his leaving had been a mutual decision?

Brian tried to think, but he didn't really want to bring much to this conversation from the state he had been in this morning. What Michael didn't know, wouldn't hurt him. "No... not exactly." He did grow a bit perplexed. "Why? What have you heard?"

~~TBC...


	4. Chapter 4

"Nothing. It's probably nothing. Maybe I got the wrong idea... or something." Michael was tugging Brian's tie off. 

"May I ask why you find it necessary to undress me? Will it help us to understand one another while we talk? And, if so... why aren't you joining in?" Brian figured he'd play along and began pulling up Michael's shirt out of his trousers. He gave a slight frown to the thought that Michael didn't even feel comfortable in jeans anymore.

Michael wasn't fast enough to stop Brian from touching his bare skin. Plus, he was more interested in taking a gander at what Brian was trying to hide from him. He felt the tender trail of fingertips up his spine as he undid four buttons of Brian's shirt. The signs of what Justin had described to him could be seen a little bit in the stretch of skin in view.

The redness was lighter, but still visible. Light scratch marks where Brian had tried to rid himself of his nightmare come true.

Michael choked on his next breath. He kept the shirt open, spread wide. "Oh... Brian..." He placed one palm on the upper chest that was marred.

"Michael, it's not..." Brian slipped his hands around Michael's wrists trying to pull him off.

Michael's hands drew up the pale column of Brian's neck, to sneak behind Brian's head. He then pulled Brian close, enfolding him in his arms. "It's okay. I know. It's okay... and I'm fine. I'm here." He began to rock Brian in his arms.

Brian felt awkward, not expecting to go from sixty to zero in under five minutes flat. But he supposed Michael was as confused with his feelings as he was. The fact that Michael was clinging to him told him that Michael might be aware of what he had done to himself... possibly what he had been doing since the news of Michael being hurt at Babylon was known to him.

Brian didn't know where to put his hands when Michael held him like this. Whenever Michael got like this it became like another child he saw who needed comfort. "Stop. Stop... touching me..." He wanted Michael to get off him. It was becoming unbearable for him to breathe. Michael wasn't listening. "No... no... let me..."

Michael wouldn't let him go. His arms moving tighter about Brian's neck, holding on. "I'm not letting you go until you promise me something." He whispered this into Brian's ear.

Brian heaved a huge sigh, sitting back, reserving himself to remaining right where he was. He buried his face further in Michael's neck. His breathing coming more prominent out of his nostrils. "What?" He was about ready to murmur, "Anything... what do you want from me? I'll give you anything you want.", but the one word question was the easiest to say.

"Honesty... from now on... no bullshit." Michael kissed the curve of Brian's ear.

"Stop. You can keep holding me..." Brian set one arm about Michael, his other lay limply on the cushions by his side. "But... please... don't kiss me..." He shut his eyes, concentrating on smells and sensations of Michael back in his arms, his arms embracing him.

Michael pet the back of Brian's head, his fingers combing through the mussed honey locks. "Oh... okay. Can I ask why?"

Brian put a hand on Michael's upper chest, keeping a slight distance between them. He continued to nudge his forehead into Michael's jaw and cheek. "I'm liable to kiss back. Right now, I'm on an edge where I don't know exactly how far I want to take this... you... and me..."

Michael closed his own eyes, bringing his forehead down to meet Brian's, their breathes mingling. "I missed this. I missed you." His palm reached up to smooth down Brian's face. "Why did you run away and leave me? Why did you try and hurt me?"

"My sick need for retaliation. You married Ben... right in front of my eyes... you're building a life apart from me." Brian shrugged one shoulder. "I don't really know. What I do know is that I felt like I was losing you... or that I had lost you already. I guess maybe I tried to test you. Make you rethink everything you've chosen for yourself. The life you want to lead right now."

"I told you... you'd never lose me. No matter what happened between us. I felt like you couldn't wait to be rid of me. You'd be happier without me... having never had me in your life." Michael sighed, this time sinking down, rearranging his legs to fix his position so he was laying half on the couch and half on Brian's lap.

Almost cradling Michael in his arms, Brian held on fiercely to him. "That's not true. I honestly don't know where I'd be without you, having you all these past twenty-so years."

"I'm not going anywhere. I don't know why you're so scared." Michael set his cheek on Brian's shoulder, almost near to the exact spot Jenny had slept on last night. "Is it because... because this time you had no control of anything? My life, my outcome, who hurt me? A bunch of What Ifs and no easy answers?"

"I always said you were the stronger of us both." Brian snuggled his face in Michael's hair, inhaling the familiar shampoo.

"You'd pull through. If not for yourself... for me... and for Gus and Jenny. Who am I to mean so much to you?"

"My life..." Brian pulled Michael even tighter to his body, muttering these little words into Michael's hair.

"When it's our time, Brian... we have to let go. Be happy with what we had... not what we didn't." Michael felt the tears gather, threatening to fall. "I don't regret anything... except..."

"Except what?"

"Never letting you know how much we coulda been together."

Brian pulled away to look down at Michael. "Are you saying *goodbye*?" His tears had been pooling for awhile, not fallen yet.

Michael's eyes searched Brian's features. "Do you want me to? Do you want me back in your life? Do you want back in mine?" He nearly choked on his next words. "Tell me to go...and I will."

The first sign of moisture fell... and it wasn't Michael's tears... it was Brian's...

All Brian could do was shake his head in decline and pull Michael down with him to lay, lengthwise, on the couch.

Michael heard quite a few words muttered in response... a few *no*'s... a couple *fuckin' never*'s. He rested his cheek on Brian's, hoping his weight wasn't too heavy and his touch wasn't too bothersome. He needed the connection with Brian to make sure he was okay... or that he would be okay when he went back to the loft... to live on his own. He still wasn't certain Brian wanted to be a part of his life. If that was the case, Michael was willing to cut the ties... if only it was what Brian wanted.

"Ssshhhh... it's okay. I'm alive. I didn't go anywhere that you haven't been before. Now that we know what's precious to us, we can agree on some things. And on others... agree to disagree. We know now that we can't demand we like the same things, but we also have to learn to embrace these differences, because they're able to rip us apart." Michael didn't care anymore. He was going to simply kiss Brian near his ear, but decided to lift up and kiss him directly on the mouth.

It worked out well, because Brian had the same idea.

The kiss started out being a gentle smooch, which began to build into one of quiet desperation and longing. Heads tilting and hands roaming, legs spreading and bodies conforming.

Michael went in for a deeper meld, but Brian drew back. Their mouths were an inch apart.

"Wait... wait..." Brian lifted up his hand to cup Michael's jaw, holding him away.

"What?" Michael didn't even recognize his own voice.

"What are we doing here?" Brian searched Michael's face for answers, which he didn't find.

Michael searched Brian's face for answers, which he DID find. Brian... was scared, frightened more then anything. The rug pulled out from under him, the structure to his life shaken. Something had certainly spooked him. Maybe it was a series of *somethings*, but there was an underlaying fear that was palpable. "What would you like to happen?"

"Ask me what I DON'T want. It simpler to say."

"What do you NOT want to happen, Brian?"

"Losing one more minute..." Brian drew his hand up Michael's face, brushing back the hair from his brow. "... with you."

Michael turned his face into Brian's hand, letting his secret smile out in the palm. "Have to agree. What do we do about that?"

"Make sure it never happens again. Ever again." Brian brought up his right leg, bending at the knee. He let it lean on the back of the couch.

Michael turned on his side, resting in the cradle of Brian's legs around him. "How do we do that?"

"Like you said. Agree to disagree. So the shit happened... and we faltered. Mourn the losses, celebrate the victories."

"Sounds like something Ma would say."

"She did... somewhat, I think. You made it out alive and Babylon can be rebuilt. Yes... we have our differences, but both of us know, now, what's important to us."

"Which would be?"

"Each other, while everything, everybody, else comes second."

Michael nodded his head, then spoke as if he and Brian were sharing the same thoughts. "Doesn't mean those other people we've come to have feelings for, be it love or extreme like, should feel like they're neglected..."

Brian let his gaze roam above him to the ceiling. "... they should learn to understand that WE were here first..."

Michael snickered, bring his arm up to bend at the elbow. He let his head rest on his hand. "And if they don't understand... what then?"

"We make them... or we say..."

" `Fuck `em!' " Michael growled out as he raised his fist in triumph. He was laughing at himself and his bad parody of Brian's ego.

"Shit. I've created a monster." Brian began to pet Michael's hair, watching his eyes close in the simple ecstacy of his touch.

"Oh, not quite. I'm still ME, only a better version. Older, wiser and more mature." Michael tried to play refined dignity, but looked silly pretending to be self-important.

Brian used his other hand to scratch at his chin. "Hmmm... lemme think on that."

Michael slapped Brian's chest, around the sensitive nipple area. He wasn't even going to mention how hard it felt. He'd keep that to himself. "Brian! Behave."

Brian momentarily paused, looking at Michael with an intensity he used to have in the first years of their friendship. "Do you know how proud I am of you? To know you, even?"

Michael didn't know how to respond. "Whoa... where the fuck did THAT come from?"

"I'm talking about Jenny, Michael."

Michael's eyes lightened and the smile came out to bleed up his entire face. "Really? Yeah... that's right." His hand came out to rub a soothing pattern on Brian's chest, moving down to caress the side of his rib cage, then rest. "She made a good impression?" He was shocked. It took a lot for adults to impress Brian Kinney. Children were a waste of his time. Babies... had no chance in hell. Deep down inside,  
Michael knew Brian would adore Jenny as much as he did.

"Picture this..." Brian used one hand to scrape the look of a sign in the air. "I'm the World's Best Expert on Michael Novotny. I avoid anything to do with fatherhood and fathering... and situations with babies is something I back away from like the plague."

"Agree on both counts." Michael nodded his agreement, as well. He inched himself up to fit his body in another position, but this time lay his head near Brian's on the pillow behind him. "What else?"

"Man, you really ARE a glutton for punishment." Brian laughed outright, wrapping his arm about Michael's upper body. His fingers cupped the boney shoulder joint, then slid up the neck into the shaved hairline. Some of the locks were growing long.

"See... along with YOU... I'm the World's Best Expert on Brian Kinney." Michael did his own *sign in the air*.

"Awwww, poor wittle you. I always hoped that I could leave every man, who's wandered in and out of my life, with some modicum of mystery. I don't know if I like that you might know me better then I know myself."

"Quit it. You know you love it." Michael swacked a good one on Brian's hip bone.

Brian reached to grab Michael's hand. More to keep him from hitting him for things he said. Mostly... he felt like twiddling with Michael's strong fingers, caressing the soft skin and threading his own fingers with Michael's.

"I'm proud to say... I'm not most men, Brian. Isn't it strange how someone who is your total opposite can see right through you?"

Brian didn't respond, he brought up their joined hands to his face. Looking at the meshed skin. "I used to NOT be like the ME I am now. Do you remember? There were those moments when I was more like you then you have ever been."

Michael started to chuckle, closing his eyes at the memory flashing. "Oh God yes! I do... those weird *exchange of souls* moments you and I had. Like we switched bodies for a day. The first time I witnessed this phenomenon was Freshman year..."

"Gym teacher. Yeah... good choice. I was one serious nutjob. Literally AND figuratively."

"You actually fell in love, Brian. Admit it."

Brian emphatically shook his head. "Nope. Never will. First *crushes* never amount to much. `Sides he was out of my bracket. All of it was a mistake."

"No it wasn't. It helped keep you in line. You figured yourself out during that time. Yeah, you made mistakes, but you made it through."

"You're not gonna sing Barry Manilow again are you?" Brian closed his eyes in agony.

"Only if you want me to." Michael kissed Brian's cheek, giggling against the skin.

"And to clarify..." Brian leaned into Michael's lips. "... I DID NOT fall in love."

"Lust, then? All I know was... he went from asshole to Coolest Teacher on the planet. Better then any teacher you ever had, you said. You couldn't say enough about him."

Brian's hand trailed down from Michael's hairline to his back, rubbing the lean muscles. "Did you know I joined the soccer team to be near him?"

"No? Really?" Michael snickered at truly not being shocked by the admission. "The first clue was that you weren't really athletic. Your body was built for sports, perfect. You have terrible sportsmanship. You're not what I'd call a *team player*, you're more of a solo artist. You want the victory and the glory on your own."

"That... is why I joined the track team."

"No. You joined the track team to ogle the older boys in those tight running shorts."

Brian nodded his head in agreement. He wanted to change the subject, get back on track. "I told Jenny a REAL bedtime story."  
   
"Uh, oh. Not the one where every woodland creature takes hits of LSD and weed... dance at the Toadstool and begin to mow down all the humans living off nature with the ammunition they bartered with the small-arms dealer living in the hollowed-out tree?"

Brian could barely stop laughing long enough to catch his breath. "You remember that shit?"

Michael couldn't stop grinning ear to ear from seeing such genuine pleasure in Brian's features. He thrived on the laughter, but even more so on the beautiful smile. "I remember everything you told me that was wacko. I think we were high at the time. Just got done watching some tripped out movie. You were trying to get me to sleep, because of some test at school the next day. I was so freaked out about passing it. You tried to take my mind off my troubles. I can't even recall if I passed that test." He waited for Brian to stop giggling, so he could ask another question. "What did you recite to her?"

"About our Junior Prom."

"Really?" Michael raised his eyebrow in shock. "Everything? Even shit I don't know?"

"Nah... I had to tone it down to G-rated with the details."

"I meant... that you told her YOUR version, which would have mostly YOUR feelings."

"Yeah... pretty much." Brian brought his hand back up to curl into Michael's hair, massaging the scalp.

Michael wanted to ask more, go into more detail, but he let it go. "You two crazy kids had a nice talk, then?"

" ***I*** did most of the talkin', but I know she likes me, Mikey. She has good taste. Look at who she chose for her father."

Michael sighed, hugging Brian close, snuggling. "Her father thinks highly of you, as well."

"She took my favorite leather jacket. I'll have to visit her again to get it back. But I promised her the next time we chatted, I wanted you there. Only so that we can discuss our Senior Prom."

"Why?" Michael scrunched his brow in befuddlement.

"Because, I want your input. I like hearing your versions of our memories together. You pick up more details then I do. I only remember the feelings."

"Yeah, I know what you mean. I get the warm fuzzies every time I think about you, too." Michael teased and pinched Brian.

"Ow! Michael..."

Michael lifted his head up off Brian's torso to gaze down at him. "What?"

"Nothing." Brian shook his head, then delicately reached up to smooth his hand down Michael's cheek, his thumb stopping to trace the bow of Michael's top lip. "I wanted to say your name to hear you respond." His eyes flittered about Michael's face, as if searing the view to his memory. "I kept yelling at you to respond when they wheeled you out of Babylon. You were unconscious." The moisture collected in his eyes, his voice broke, slipping into a whisper. "I never knew if you'd talk to me again."

"Fuck!" Michael began to cry for both of them. He slid up Brian's chest, pressing as close as he could, locking their mouths together in a show of unconditional love. "I'm sorry... I'm sorry. I'm sorry..." He continued to keep apologizing.

Brian tried to avert his head from Michael's kisses, letting them land on his jaw and cheek bones. "It's not because we had been distant. Or that we always seemed to fight with one another when we were together. It's because you could have... di-..."

Michael leaned his forehead down on Brian's. He situated his body to lay limb to limb and chest to chest on Brian. "I know... I know... that's what I'm most sorry for. I'd never want to torture you like that again." He brought up both hands to caress the sides of Brian's face. "I love you more then life itself and any pain I cause you surely wouldn't be by MY doing."

Brian shut his eyes, one tear escaping when Michael said *I love you*. Just the idea of never hearing those three words again, never feeling them emote from Michael... this very way they were laying together right now... and of never feeling complete... ever again. Having half of Michael would be better then none at all. In fact, it could be detrimental to his health and well-being.

Michael looked at Brian's features closely, petting the strong cheek bone. "Tell me what's going on in that gorgeous head of yours, Mr. Kinney?"

"You really want to know? Even if it's not what you want to hear?"

Michael encircled his arms about Brian, tucking his hands under Brian's back. "Too late. We're already too far gone to be good."

Brian nudged his head with Michael's, repositioning to bury his face in Michael's neck and shoulder. "Okay... well, I, uh, recently picked up rings. I carry them with me, wherever I go."

"You have them with you now?" Michael rubbed Brian's biceps.

"Yeah."

"Jacket or trouser pocket?"

"Neither. I'm wearing them."

"Cock rings, did you say?" Michael joked, hoping to find some humor in this discussion.

Brian shared a mixture of tears and chuckles. He wiped under his eyes. "Oh, Mikey, you're a laugh riot. Not a bad idea, but... no."

Michael was slowly drawing backwards, away. He knew they were talking about Justin now. Not them at all. "When were you planning on proposing?" He wiped away his own tears, sniffling.

Brian wasn't sure how to speak up. He wanted to go on touching Michael's face. "I don't know anymore. I'm not sure what I want now. I thought I would know once I saw you, but here... with you. I'm back to being confused as ever. Jenny certainly didn't help like I thought she would." He felt Michael vanishing from his comfort, trying to sink into himself, far away from his touch. He reached up to grab Michael's biceps just above his elbow joints. "Not sure if I can actually do... this. The whole proposal spiel. I want to try, at least. Make an effort to change. You've been after me to settle down, to grow up, before I'm forced into loneliness and solitude as Liberty Avenue's oldest Gay Club Party Boy..." He attempted to laugh it off, but found himself unable to feel it completely. It didn't help that Michael reached down to caress his cheek again, soaking up every inch of his features. "I'd hate to keep disappointing you..."

Michael dipped his head to press a delicate kiss to Brian's open mouth. "You can't... you never will..."

"I want to show you that I'm capable."

"Don't do this to yourself for me. Or you'll regret the position you're in later on."

Brian scanned Michael's eyes, looking for something he was unable to figure out on his own. "If I don't do this now... what if I never get the chance again?"

Michael furrowed his brow, brushing Brian's bangs back. "Why not? If things don't work out with Justin, what makes you think...?"

"Because, Michael... my ideal... of the Perfect Man... for me... belongs to someone else." Brian hoped his eyes conveyed who that man was. "I have no reason to believe that I'll get a second chance. That I even deserve one."

Michael was speechless, breathless even. He knew what Brian meant, who he was speaking of... and he had no way to respond. "Brian..." He was so certain Brian would be vague and let the moment slip away of being honest for once.

Why not? It had happened this way for nearly twenty years.

"C'mere..." Brian let his hands slide along Michael's jaw line, to the back of his head, bringing his face close so their eyes were locked, one on one. Their mouths inches apart. "It's you. It's always been you... for me. There's no doubt in my mind, certainly laying in your arms like this. If LOVE is the word that explains what I go through when I'm with or without you... when I think about you... what goes through me at the mere mention of you, anything connected to you... then, yes... I love you..."

"Oh, shit..." Michael was hearing what he should have been told years ago. Hearing it all was bittersweet. Why did he feel overjoyed by being told now? Wasn't it too late?

"When you told me Ben had proposed, I got knocked off my feet. I wanted to say something on your wedding day, but... you looked happy and in love. I couldn't take that from you. Not after years of taking everything you had to give me. So... I gave you Ben. I'm trying to give you all those other things that make you the man I love... but it's hard to watch when it's not me standing next to you. That I have to watch someone fill a place I always thought was mine to have."

Michael let twin tears fall, collecting on Brian's wrists. He ached from this knowledge. This was exactly what he been wanting to hear. Glad to be alive to finally bear witness to this moment.

Brian let out a choked breath. "But... nearly losing you... for real... forever... was the fuckin' wake-up call I needed to knock me down on my ass. I had to get myself in check, re-prioritize my life and the things in it. None of us are here for good. Takes too much energy to work at being different and unique. Though I might have a sexual companion each and every night... it's still a lonely game I'm not sure I want to play anymore. I don't think I'm very good at winning."

"Stop." Michael brought up one hand to use the palm to cover Brian's mouth. "Shut up. You're talking too much."

Brian began to shake his head in disagreement. "No. I don't think I've said enough."

"You're saying plenty. But I'm not sure I like where you're going with this topic."

"I need you... I need you in my life more then I love you. I realize that now. To never have you, like I've wanted, while painful... if you're happy where you are, then so am I."

Michael shook his head, cuddling into Brian. "I didn't mean to fall in love. That doesn't mean I stopped loving you."

Brian laughed at Michael's tone of voice. How childlike it was in an instant because he knew he was about to do some grown-up thing that would be downright torture for them both. "I know that now."

"So what will this proposal to Justin mean for you?"

Brian shrugged one shoulder. "A way back. A fighting chance to survive, maybe. A new beginning to a better way of life."

Michael shut his eyes to the aching knowledge of that happening without him by Brian's side. "Sounds really great, Brian. Forgive me for saying this... you haven't been able to stop touching and kissing me back. How is this supposed to be what Justin wants if you can't forget about me and what you think you can't have?"

"I know he wants what you and Ben have. You two haven't infected him like I said. You've both been a awesome example of just how good a marriage can be for us. I can make damn sure I never let him down again."

"For you two, right? Because it's what YOU want, as well?" Michael still wasn't sure Brian was even being honest with himself about this situation.

"Well, Christ! Who cares what I want?! I'm tired of everything in my life being such a battle. I want things to be easier from now on. Giving in a little never hurt anyone."

"Giving in to make *yourself* disappear? Are you making HIM happy... or me? I'm not quite clear on that."

"If that's what it takes... two satisfied customers."

Brian and Michael stared each other down. Michael unsure what the hell Brian was thinking, Brian simply not wanting to lose Michael from his embrace.

"Your logic astounds me. What happens to you?"

"What do you mean?" Brian wasn't sure why Michael cared so much.

"You give Justin whatever he wants... and what? Brian Kinney simply fades off into the sunset?"

Brian tried to smile, but it didn't flow out right. "I'm still him... me. Slightly improved, mature, wise..."

"Sacrificing your identity for the greater good of what? For whom?"

"What's wrong now? I can't even try? You're already sure to shoot me down."

Michael was trying to get up, but Brian wouldn't let his arms go. "No, I'm just... I'm not really sure if you're aware of how distant you and Justin are right now. It's like you two aren't even on the same page."

"We always bicker and fight. The making-up is what's the clincher sometimes..." Brian could see there was something behind Michael's gaze. A truth he knew and was keeping for his own, or until he felt the time was right.

"Please." Michael made to cover his ears. Too Much Information for him. "Enough. No need to explain further. I got it." He decided to rest on Brian, move back to relaxing between his legs. He drew his hand up and began to place it on Brian's upper chest.

"Michael, if there's something you know, that I don't... spill it."

"Why? What do you mean?" Michael trailed his hand down Brian's chest, willing to go all the way down to the trouser belt.

"You haven't looked at me directly, for awhile. Since we started talking about Justin. I never knew my throat and jaw line was THAT fascinating." Brian turned his head to look down at Michael's face. He could see the subtle facial changes as Michael discovered something under his hand.

"Brian, I'm..." Michael felt moisture around Brian's abdomen. The consistency was sticky, thick. He pulled up his torso off Brian, fully. "What the fuck?! Brian!" He stood on the couch cushions on his knees, trying to make Brian sit up, too.

Brian drew back from Michael's actions. They frightened him. The look of shock on his face was worrisome. "What? Shit! Mikey..." He looked down at his own chest and pelvis.

Blood marred Brian's pristine cream-colored shirt, splotching around his stomach.

"You're bleeding!?" Michael immediately went to lift Brian's shirt up to find perfectly pale skin, no marks whatsoever. That was when he looked down at his own abdomen.

Blood seeped out of Michael's bandage, between his sewn stitches and pooling on his cotton shirt.

"No... Michael... YOU'RE bleeding!! Fuck!"

Michael put a hand out to ward off Brian. "I'm okay. It happens, Brian. It's supposed to bleed like this. Shows it's not getting infected." He shut his eyes in comfort, laughing at his own stupidity. How could he have forgotten the lifesaving surgery he'd gone through?

Man... what had gone through Michael's mind in that instant. Brian... being injured... his blood all over him. He shook his head to clear out his brain of fear. Wow, was this what Brian suffered?

Brian felt emotions more heavily then people knew. Love... hate... fear... loss...

Michael lifted his head to look at Brian... who had his hands spread wide... blood was all over his hands and forearms.

Brian simply stared down in shock, stunned beyond belief. His nightmare come true, but not as bad as his mind had portrayed it. He started laughing... almost hysterically, but soon it turned into sobs of some dark depressive state he'd gone in. One that Michael had seen before, just not in response to the news HE might possibly die.

Michael let Brian grieve... right in front of him, sink so low in the cushions, his hands gripping and grappling for strength. Michael's hands went to cover his mouth to keep from screaming his own sobs. His eyes pooled and wetness fell in random spurts. He wanted to touch and reach out to Brian, but didn't want to hurt him.

Brian's hands began to crawl up, trying to hold onto Michael. First with his ankles, then his calves, his knees, his thighs. He wandered up Michael's body until he could rest his tired face on Michael's chest, mid-sternum. He didn't care about the blood, smearing up his neck and chest. Hot water could take care of that. All he wanted was Michael... and he took what he could get, what he was freely given.

Michael brushed back Brian's sweaty locks, combing his fingers through the messy hair. "What do we do now, Brian?"

"Don't let me go."

"I won't." Michael pressed a kiss to the top of Brian's head.

"Don't leave me... even when I'm a shit..."

Michael chuckled through his tears. "Never. Not possible. I'm here for good. Not one inch."

"We need a bath." Brian sniffled and sighed out his release of a single breath.

"You going back to work?'

"No. Not today. Do you mind?"

"The company? No. I'd love it." Michael sunk lower in the couch to bring his face level to Brian's. "I love you."

Brian's eyes pooled again. His gaze transfixed on Michael's eyes. "He's gone isn't he?"

Michael knew Brian wasn't asking about Ben. "Yes. He called me this morning, before you showed. The loft should be empty of all his things."

Brian slowly nodded his head. "Christ!" He bowed in shame.

Michael caressed Brian's cheek, liking that he leaned into the touch. "Hey... no matter what you think, you DID give it a chance. YOUR way. You didn't compromise yourself."

The tears fell at will now, no control from Brian. "And the proposal? You think he would have believed it came from my heart? That I really did want to make some effort to bring him happiness?"

"Sure. You never do anything half-assed, even when your back is to the wall."

"Even... with rings like these?" Brian brought up his right wrist, yanking the shirt cuff down to reveal a titanium bracelet hidden.

Inside three conjoined links dangled two rings. The rings were diamond encrusted and flat. One complete circle of smooth titanium.

"Very beautiful. Justin would have loved them." Michael enjoyed Brian's wrist more then the expensive jewelry.

"Silver is a weak metal. Most jewelers suggest titanium. It's stronger then gold, lasts forever. It's cheaper to make and sold for piddley bucks." Brian was fascinated by watching Michael look at only the dazzling bracelet. How it almost mirrored his cowry shell bracelet of their youth. "Read the inscriptions." He was offering his wrist for inspection.

"Where? In the rings?" Michael smiled sweetly. He wondered what powerful words Brian had devised to mark he and Justin's relationship. He had some sick ones of his own, but knew whatever Brian chose would be interesting if not informative.

Brian never let his eyes off Michael as he watched those chocolate eyes read the scribed words. "Now you see what I mean?"

"Brian... you...?"

"I spotted them for us. I can never give them to anyone else but..."

Michael pulled Brian's right hand to his chest, threading their fingers together, palm to palm. His eyes teared up again. "You're such a romantic, Brian Kinney."

"Please don't let it out. I don't want anyone else knowing."

"My secret."

Brian leaned down into Michael's face. "Our secret. Even from Ben."

Michael slowly nodded, lifting his head up to kiss Brian. "Especially from Ben. Will you wait?"

"For you?"

Michael nodded, trailing his lips down Brian's cheek. "Even if it takes forever?"

Brian actually thought about what Michael was asking him. "Can I still have you... the way I always have?" His face nudged Michael's, slipping down his neck, lips connecting on naked collarbone. "Like this... nothing too serious..."

"THIS isn't serious?"

Brian rolled his eyes. "You know what I mean. I could so easily take advantage of this moment. You vulnerable... open for me... mine to have. I could take you upstairs and fuck you into the mattress. On the bed you share with Ben."

"But you won't..."

"And why not?" Brian couldn't help smiling that Michael already knew the answer, having read the Brian Kinney Manual from cover to cover.

"Because with us... it's never been about sex. With us, it's been about love..." Michael let it go at that, embracing Brian into his arms, never letting go.

"Love... yeah... It's always been about love." Brian drew back his face, pressing a chaste kiss to Michael's mouth. "You look exhausted." He rubbed the back of his hand down Michael's cheek, feeling for a temperature.

"My pain medicine's wearing off. I should take another soon, break through the pain."

Brian pulled himself, and Michael, up off the couch. "C'mon... let's head upstairs. I'll draw you a bath. Or does the doctor want you to only shower?"

"As long as my stitches are kept clear of water..." Michael gripped Brian's hand tighter, swinging the appendage between them. "I'd really like a bath."

"Whatever you want."

"Seriously? Can you join me?"

"In the bath?"

"Why not? You're covered in blood, too. Let's conserve water..."

"What would Ben say?"

"If Ben were here... I think he'd want to join me, as well."

Brian paused on their way up the staircase. "Am I his replacement, while he's gone?"

"No... I thought we weren't going to be THAT WAY with each other... unless things changed..."

"So... you just want a platonic bath with me... naked?"

"YOU can keep your undershorts on. I think I can handle your sexual magnetism in a state of undress." Michael strolled slowly up one step at a time, his arm holding his abdomen.

"What I do for you..." Brian muttered, shaking his head in simple wonderment.

"You love me... stop complaining..." Michael stop at the top of the stairs, turned to kiss Brian on the lips, trailing a hand down his chest and tugging on the waist of his pants. He undressed on his way into the master suite. He left the door open for Brian to follow.

"That I do, Michael... that I do..." Brian did follow, undressing on his way into the bedroom. He paced over to the lighted master bath, walking in to find the huge bathtub. He turned on the water, walking back out to watch Michael.

If Brian were any sane man he'd leave... right now. But he never claimed to be any saner or smarter then any other man in his position. This felt right... being here in this bedroom with Michael, looking at him as he took off his clothes in front of the closet Michael shared with Ben.

Brian leaned on the bathroom doorframe, lost in thought...

One day... this would all be his... Michael... Jenny... a house... Gus... this life... he just had to be patient... and Brian could be with Michael, looking back at him like he was just now.

"You okay?" Michael walked over, the white, blood-soaked bandage visible on his abdomen.

"Me? Fuck, Michael... how bout you?" Brian kind of snickered, thinking how odd Michael would wonder about his welfare when he was practically bleeding from a fresh surgical wound.

"You're here... that... is all I need right now." Michael took in a long breath, scraping his hand over his upper chest, feeling how fast his heart was beating. He never thought he'd get this chance again. He'd do anything to gain ground again with Brian. He rolled his neck around a bit to get out some kinks. "You... and a hot bath... that is."

"I knew I wasn't enough."

Michel walked right into Brian's arms. "You are. You are enough. You'll always be enough."

"I guess... there's really no going back... huh? No way back from here?"

"You really want to rehash everything we've been through?" Michael chuckled deeply at Brian's emphatic shaking of his head. "So... here... we stand... both of us... together, as it should be..." Michael sighed in contentedness, willing to give himself over to Brian's tender loving care.

Brian secured both arms tight about Michael's slight form, feeling the trembling coarse through them. He lifted Michael off the floor, turned and walked them into the bathroom closing the door behind him to block out any and all curious eyes...

This... was a moment simply for them...

  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~THE END


End file.
